[Obsession] 奢侈的魅力

我有自己的梦。

如果想把自己的梦化为真实的天堂，总必须要买建筑材料吧。
用来买建筑材料的，莫过于同氧气般重的钱。

除了美术馆、博物院，及旅行，真实的梦，我就从来没有在别的地方发现过; 即使是之前发现的梦一般的古迹什么的，都不及我在那里的发现来的真实。

我 具体地摸到那些砖块的坚硬与冰冷，踩着每一块固执硬朗让人不敢随意侵犯的石砖地，看见摆在眼前的一个个用心雕创然后筑在平稳地上和墙上的梦之作，吸着有 筑梦器香味的空气 （就像一栋正在装修的房子，那些尘土味、洋灰味，闭上眼睛也能辨别出来的味道。），感觉在我身边走过、那些有血有肉、理论上跟我一样的人。我嘴只能微张， 只能不停的屏息哑叹每一寸高贵、每一寸真实。

以及每一分奢侈。

我 没有找周公，我就站在一个现实里的梦境里了，梦里还有活生生的人，理论上跟我们相同的人。实际上我们却不一样，虽然他们在跟我说话，从我身边走过；虽然我 也会说话、也会走过别人的身边，但我们还是不一样。说的俗套一点，就是不同空间的人。他们漂亮、华丽、有现代及商业的味道又不失高素质之香气，我迷恋着那 种华贵、那种奢侈。

很迷人。

听着他们叙述着那里的故事——

“这里是前途、也是钱途。我们将让你知道如何把创意及灵感发挥得淋漓尽致，不受时间空间所限。”

前途？钱途？在我们踏上前途之前，钱都不够了，哪来的前途呢？如果已有钱了，那真的还需要如此迫切地求钱途吗？

我没有想过自己不能变得如此奢侈迷人，只是想着自己从一开始就不奢侈了。梦，我会自己建造，管他在现实的基地里还是在想象的国度里。

我会自己铸造自己的梦。

只是我知道我会少了一点点的勇气，因为在那里，大家都跟我有相同的抱负，即使没有，我也感觉得到每个人都有某些异曲同工之处。

所以在这里，某些情节上，我还是要孤身上阵。
就跟往常一样，我只需要勇气。

去接受某一些结果、去抗拒某一些古板、去创造自己的梦。

奢侈的魅力，不足以击碎我的勇气。

（献给林国荣创意工艺大学学院）

[Life] It rained

Yawns. Nescafe Coffee. Textbooks. Stomach aches. Panadol. Notes. Vitamin B-complex. Heavy and aching eyelids. Boh Tea. Excercises. Optrex eyedrops. Nap.

Lastly, yay.
Yay yay yay. That's all I can say.

"Expect for the worse - F9's for all the subjects, so there won't be any disappointment."

Finish the whole sentence, don't read until F9 and tell me it's impossible. I said 'won't be any disappointment'.

Yay yay yay.

Then we took photos and I bounced for a while. Later we went to KL and bought some coloured papers for stage decorations. Yeah we were tired.

I sang songs and bounced around. The sky seemed cloudy and it started to rain when we reached Klang bus station. We waited for bus 65. We chatted and ate some sweets. I sang and bounced around again.

Yay. Here came the bus. Under the rain, we were queueing to get on the bus. Sitting at the last row, we were bouncing with the bus. The yellow lights of the cars and the yellowish and orangey evening were very intriguing. I thought I was in a foreign city, so beautiful and fun. Then I thought the bus went into a old mine tunnel as the sky turned dark. We got off when it reached our station.

On my way home, I kept repeating a song. I kept singing this song.

konna koto ii na, dekitara ii na
anna yume konna yume ippai aru kedo
minna minna minna, kanaete kureru
fushigi na POKKE de kanaete kureru
sora wo jiyuu ni tobitai na (hai! takekoputaa!)
AN AN AN
tottemo daisuki
DORAEMON

The books I was carrying was rather heavy. The stuffs I bought just now was kind of bulky too. I was holding an umbrella. It's raining but I didn't really feel the rain.

I was happy.

"...ang ang ang... tottemo daisuki... do-ra-e-mo-on...."

I didn't stop singing until I reached home.

A voice retorted, "You could have come home earlier if you just call home."

"Do I look like I'm very depressed(when I got home late) right now?"

It's 7.15pm. It's considered not late for a rainy day. I told you that I would be back late. I call you only when I felt that the bags I'm carrying were too heavy or when I'm too tired that I could faint and roll down the sloppy road if I take another step and when it's very late and the bus still hasn't arrive.

It's not like you're very eager to get me everytime when I call back. I know that the road was jamming and I don't want to waste your time and the petrol. Furthermore you would probably spend the time on the road wasting your saliva cursing how bad the traffic is. If you really don't mind, then don't let others think that you mind a lot.

Don't make me feel that the whole world is failing to communicate with me. Vice versa, don't make me think that everyone fails in communication and I'm the only one who knows how to speak.

Now I know how the husbands feel when they took the first step into the house, their wives started to fire cannons on them. It's like you're getting ready to get into the house to say I'm back and tell stories of today to everyone in the house and once you open the door, a pancake flew right into your face for no reason.

It rains. It rains. I feel it already.
So I keep quiet. It's the rain's turn to sing.

[Life] 你的程度

朋友是什么，好朋友又是什么。我不加问号，这些定义，随时间、随年龄，会渐变得越来越清晰。

萍水相逢的，只懂名字的，只懂样貌的，认识多年的，愿意为他赴汤蹈火的，都是我的朋友。关键只在于程度上的差别，只在于你所处的阶段。

我想你们都没有想过吧，是你们单纯，还是我的演技让你误会呢。

在你问问题之前，在你想插手于我的事之前，在你以为自己懂很多而批评我之前，想想我是谁、你是谁，想想我们的关系，想想你自己的程度，不要单纯地认为朋友就是朋友。朋友也好，身份地位也罢，任何事物都有所谓的程度、品质之差。

不管是什么样的朋友，都可以给于建议及鼓励。如果你的表达方式很失败，那请你不要乱说话，几个简单的字，就够了。

不过我想告诉你，有时候我觉得没有必要对你浪费唇舌，所以我只会笑笑、点点头。

“嗯。”
“噢噢。”
“是的。”
“不知道。”
“真的呵。”

就让你继续认为我又愚笨又单纯吧，就让你认为我的生活就像你印象中的那样吧，就让你认为你比我有经验吧，反正你没必要知道我的事。

告诉你了，我也不会多长一根头发。
不告诉你，我也不会多掉一根。

[Indulgence] Fix Me

Fix You - Coldplay

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

I felt like crying after hearing the song on Mix FM. I was studying Biology. My stomach was aching. There was a bottle of water on the table. It was quiet. There was only Coldplay singing to me.

Maybe I am broken and I was just grateful that I heard the voice saying that it was going to get me fixed.

[Indulgence] Not Turning Off My Lights

(When the Sun Is at the Other Side of the Earth, May 5 2005)

It's a habit. It's a hobby. To stay up late.

(But it's not a hobby to stay up late to study, but I still have to. Like just now.)

I didn't turn the lights off before the sun rises. I just lied, I did turned it off for a while, so that I could tell my parents that I did off the lights before I sleep.

It's so quiet when everyone is sleeping soundly in their rooms. I'm alone. It's like you are going for dinner or supper by yourself, and even though there are other people around you, but you know you're still alone. Like now.

When I'm alone, I like to keep everything in view. I normally would stay in my room or in the study room, with doors shut, windows closed and hidden under the curtains. Nobody and nothing could intrude or distract me. I'm in my own little dimension right now. I feel productive as I could draw, write, sing, dance, act, play or do anything I like, nothing's going to destroy my fantasies. Nothing.

I'm getting used to staying up late, it's a habit that couldn't be thrown away easily. Unless the surroundings, the situation, the people and everything around has changed, or else old habits will remain as the stimulators are still the same.

It might be a bad habit, a bad hobby, perhaps a torture to my body. I couldn't balance my spiritual and physical needs. My eyes hurts, eyelids are getting heavier, my skin and my hair will be in a bad condition, not to mention my internal organs. They couldn't repair themselves if my brain's not resting.

I'm tired but I don't feel like sleeping. I wish time would stop so that there'll never be a tomorrow, so that I don't have to go back, so that I could stay here forever.

But there are some rules you just have to follow.

Mama, I'm turning the lights off. I was studying and I'm going to bed now. Goodnight.

You know, my lights are still on. I could still dream. And keep on dreaming.

[梦呓] 雪中送炭

原来我觉得很冷，我都没有发现。

同时，在同一天，几个他都递上一件棉衣。穿上时才发现棉衣很暖，因为我冷，所以才觉得暖。

原来我在雪地里会觉得冷啊。那些棉衣真得很暖…… 可是我宁愿他们没有给我温暖，那我就不会察觉到自己很冷了。那我也不会发现只有你没有继续送炭。之前的炭都烧完了，难道你不知道炭是要换新的才能够继续烧起来，才能够继续让我取暖吗？

我敏感多心，我自己多愁善感，胡思乱想，自己杞人忧天。可是即使我一直这样告诉自己，我都没有办法阻止我自己的感官，因为不由得我自己的意识来控制，所以我还是觉得冷啊。无论如何这都是事实。

给来给去的东西，并不是每个人都不求回报的。我不敢算我给了你多少木炭，因为我不确定你是否都收到，还是你根本就不需要我的炭。

之前有个他送了我棉衣，我已经觉得奇怪了，毕竟他向来都只送过我茶叶啊，我开始怀疑。只是没想到他会当场要求我回报他，太突然了，我临时给不了。之后，他不再寄温暖，偶尔捎来一些问候，关心我的体温。现在，什么也没有了。若那时他给我时间，也许我今天期待的会是他的炭，而不是你的炭。也许我不该那么快把我的炭给你的，可是你一直催促，我应该就继续寄些茶叶给你泡热茶就好了，因为我是在完全没有想过你会接受我的炭的情况下给你的。也许透过品茗，我才能够让你更懂我，我也可以更了解你，我更不会像现在一样那么在意。

那这些棉衣，我又该怎么办？

有时候我想送回茶叶给你，然后再把炭送给别人。说不定我不会再因此而觉寒。只是我还不想不送炭给你啊。我也还没有办法就这样把炭送给别人。

如果我仍像以前那样，一个人在雪中，没有遇上什么的(当然有一些只交换茶叶的路人），我根本就不会懂寒冷为何物。

[诗词] 看火箭 （歌）

词： li wen
曲： 请自行编曲


我们坐上你开的火箭
休休休

我不喜欢这样的火箭
no no no

发射咯发射咯三二一
咦咦咦？

我看见火箭飞
你们在火箭上飞
喔喔喔
我还在这里啊
我怎么还在这里啊
我也上了火箭啊

开火箭的人向我摇头
左右左
“真是不上进。”
因为我把成绩册弄脏了
越来越脏哦

我只能掩着耳朵唱
啦啦啦
啦啦啦啦



后记：
开火箭的人说，火箭不需要像火车一样由人去开，（可是我觉得那火车的速度就好像火箭一样快）加上他们是轮流驾驶的，所以比较像接力赛，我们是接力棒，可是我不是，因为没有专业选手会把棒子遗留在原地的。