[Indulgence] Not Turning Off My Lights

(When the Sun Is at the Other Side of the Earth, May 5 2005)

It's a habit. It's a hobby. To stay up late.

(But it's not a hobby to stay up late to study, but I still have to. Like just now.)

I didn't turn the lights off before the sun rises. I just lied, I did turned it off for a while, so that I could tell my parents that I did off the lights before I sleep.

It's so quiet when everyone is sleeping soundly in their rooms. I'm alone. It's like you are going for dinner or supper by yourself, and even though there are other people around you, but you know you're still alone. Like now.

When I'm alone, I like to keep everything in view. I normally would stay in my room or in the study room, with doors shut, windows closed and hidden under the curtains. Nobody and nothing could intrude or distract me. I'm in my own little dimension right now. I feel productive as I could draw, write, sing, dance, act, play or do anything I like, nothing's going to destroy my fantasies. Nothing.

I'm getting used to staying up late, it's a habit that couldn't be thrown away easily. Unless the surroundings, the situation, the people and everything around has changed, or else old habits will remain as the stimulators are still the same.

It might be a bad habit, a bad hobby, perhaps a torture to my body. I couldn't balance my spiritual and physical needs. My eyes hurts, eyelids are getting heavier, my skin and my hair will be in a bad condition, not to mention my internal organs. They couldn't repair themselves if my brain's not resting.

I'm tired but I don't feel like sleeping. I wish time would stop so that there'll never be a tomorrow, so that I don't have to go back, so that I could stay here forever.

But there are some rules you just have to follow.

Mama, I'm turning the lights off. I was studying and I'm going to bed now. Goodnight.

You know, my lights are still on. I could still dream. And keep on dreaming.