[Life] My Prejudice

It has been more than two years, staying under the same roof with her.

I don't hate her but I just dislike her. She did nothing big enough for me to hate her. But I know we're just different in the way we think. And I could say that I hate the way she thinks. Most of the time. It could really piss me off sometimes. I wonder how my face look like when I got pissed. But I know it's not that bad, because I did conserved my anger a little for those times. I still respect myself.

She's not that bad, she's a good girl I know and he likes her for some reason. I thought I was jealous because he tells stories to her instead of me. But then I found out it was the way she talked. I'm being subjective here - Why geminis often hurt people unintentionally? (You know who you are, and you should know if you're not one of them.)

You're walking on the streets in the rain. Other people are holding umbrellas. "Splish splash" says the puddles of water. Someone suddenly bumps into you with his umbrella. "Ouch" you say because it's painful and you feel like yelling at him. But you found out that he just walks past you like nothing happened. He doesn't know. And what can you do? Catch up and give him a slap?

I didn't do anything. I just wanted to avoid conflicts.

Actually I still remember the painful moments. How could you say that? How could you joke about something like this? How could you do this in front of us? I'm unable to make things clearer to you, like giving examples of her words because it would be a very long story.

But I could say that, I'm still not ready to accept her as a part of my family. We're like electrons of the same charge, although we look like we have a lot in common, but electrons of the same charge repel each other.

I'm sorry.

(They're actually sitting next to me by the time I'm typing this. Maybe I did want them to know. But their eyes aren't on my monitor.)

[Life] In My Reality Of Dreams

I don't remember most of my dreams.

But there are some vivid dreams that I still remember. I write down my clearer dreams right after I woke up, no matter what time it is, I write down the keywords - the people, the places, the colours, the weather, the food, the animals, the plants, the feelings... Anything that I could remember the minute I woke up. And later on that day, I thought I could remember the whole dream, but then as I look through my notes, I couldn't remember all of them, I missed out some important details, and added some details that weren't in my dream at the beginning.

Memories tell lies.

I guess there are only 7 or 8 dreams that I still remember right now, which I think that it really means something to me. Putting all of them in words is time-consuming. Although I've already wrote down the 3 most recent dreams I had. I might be adding more details if I write the other 4 or 5 out.

There are too many things that I wanted to tell myself in my dreams. A whole lot of them. The dreams are long, including a lot of my inner fears and current situation. It's not nice to see all your inner problems being shown to you in a few minutes or even a few seconds time.

I wanted someone to listen to me. I wanted to talk about it. But I don't know whom shall I talk to and how am I going to make everything - my past, my fears and my secrets clear to them? They don't know them all. They'll probably know some of my past, while the other friend know some of my little dirty secrets, while another know some of my random stuffs.

No one knows all of me. Even if you think you do, I'm still hiding some part of me from you.

I checked my mobile phone, maybe I should call somebody up. There are a lot of contacts but I couldn't find anyone. I logged on my IM, checked my contact list, I know there are more than two who are always willing to lend out their ears, but I don't know where to start.

Still...I wanted someone to hear me.

So I blog. I guess this is the main reason.

I don't know. I don't know where to start. I don't know how. I don't know why. I don't even know what to say anymore. I'm still lost. Although I'm pretending that I'm not. There is still a distance between others and me. I don't know who I want to talk to right now. I don't know who you are. Most importantly, you still don't know what I'm babbling about.

I would answer that I'm a realist instead of a dreamer last time when I was answering quizzes, without a doubt. But now I think that I'm more to a dreamer. I would rather my dreams are my reality so that I don't have to learn how to survive in here.

I should stop. I'm lost and confused.
I hope you are not, so you can wake me up.

[梦呓] Searching For You To Paint You Red

I bought a wrapping paper with alphabets and numbers from aeiou studio.
Alphabets in black outlines as the background, numbers in solid black as the foreground.
Generally the paper is in white, topped with a little black.

I wanted to find you. To find your name in the pond of alphabets.
I will find your name, and paint them red.
Red, as my love, my heart, my passion and my lust for you.

I miss you, that's why I'm finding you.
The wrapping paper will soon be in white, black and red, it'll be alive soon.
It's boring because it's missing the red, your name in red.

I hope I can give it to you on your birthday, with the red colour.
Red, as my love, my heart, my passion and my lust for you.
I hope that you will only find this out on your birthday.

I can say it aloud right now because I know you are not here.
I hope the red doesn't fade away before I give it to you.

Red, as my love, my heart, my passion and my lust for you.

[梦呓] Still Caged

I'm profusely bleeding.
I know that the pain is too much,
When I found out that I couldn't feel the pain anymore.

I have to stitch my wounds.
Before it's too late.

My needles are blunt and rusty.
My threads are so fragile and weak.
I'm reaching out of the cage at this moment
Just to ask

May I borrow yours?

[梦呓] Caged

- Artwork by ketchup-suicide.
(Click image for original link)

I am caged. Head tearing apart.
I am blind. I am numb.
I couldn't stretch out my wings.
You're not seeing my wings, I know.
I just wanted to fly in my piece of sky.
But I couldn't. I couldn't right now.

Yet I'm trying. I didn't try very hard.
But I'm trying.

I'm going to disappoint all of you.
What you think is important is not important to me.
What I think is important is really necessary to me.

I'm bleeding.
But I will keep on.
I just wanted to fly.
I don't want to be killed.
If I have to die, I would've kill myself.
I would die in my own hands,
Not yours.

(I will stay in the cage for some time.
Won't be updating for two weeks.)

[梦呓] Could have been better

If I had not been blind,

I would be hiding under the well.
I would be dancing as if I were given a new life.
I would be singing my own songs lustily.
I would be dreaming like a schizophrenic.
I would be what I was as before.

I would not have died so easily.