[Life] Shooh.

It seems like I'm getting more and more reserved, self-defending. I read through my old diaries and journals, they just sounded different. It's not only that I've lost all my childhood imaginations but also my willingness to share and to help. I used to write letters to my juniors when I think that they are lost and they need encouragement to stand up again. I like to play that kind of role.

"Yes, I'm always here with you, don't worry."

Bah. Well, I'm not, not anymore. I'm tired of all these. Although I felt satisfied and happy when I see they reply me with their confidence and walk on straight paths. I do what my seniors did to me. Thank you, I really appreciate them. I was proud of my once caring and helpful and responsible personality.

But people change, as time flows. People grow and people learn. The eagerness and willingness to do something will be lesser and lesser. People get more and more self-centered. People are individualistic and materialistic, I say, practical.

"What does your problem has to do with me? You go away and rot. I can't help you. I'm busy and I've got much to do."

Take a look at your feet. Weren't there some hard and coarse skin under your toes and your heels? I believed that most people who write, they are some parts of the hand with those too. This is because your tender skin before couldn't stand the stress and pain that the output causes, that's why a new thick and senseless layer is grown to protect you. This is our nature. That's why we protect ourselves by not involving too much in others' lives, and not contributing too much sympathy for others. Even robbers and rapists like to misuse sympathy and kindness of people. And the beggars on the roads, someone send them here, I know. The people behind them took the money, and not for the handicapped beggars.

"I don't want to care so much. It does me no good, I don't care if you'll thank me or not, but I don't want to waste my time for this/for you."

"Give me a reason why should I help you."

"What for? It's not like you're giving me money for all this trouble."

I'm turning into someone like this I think. I'm not the goody-goody friend or whoever anymore. Don't mess with me. I need my time. I need to do something for myself. I've had enough. Don't ask me for help. Nobody helps me when I need help. And I don't ask for help. So don't ask me to help you.

Don't worry, I know that there are times that I will need you and you will need me. I'm co-operative in times like this. Don't expect me to be good friends with you. Don't expect to get anything free from me. I mean it. I'll be lonely. So what?

At least nobody hurts me. And I hurt nobody. Since there will always be a distance between you and me.