+ schizophrenia +

Moving Out

2006-06-16T12:30:00.000+08:00

Stayed here for some time.
Stuffs turned old and rusty.

Not good.
Perhaps I should go out and try to fly?
Nah.

Perhaps I should just Go Upstairs
Step by step, and
My world will start anew.

= Moving Notice =
- There won't be any new posts on this blog. For updates, please visit: Go Upstairs. Thank you for your kind attention. -

[Life] You

2006-05-29T18:48:00.000+08:00

Back.
Back to myself.

Changes have been applied to me.
Good or bad, I don't need to explain.

Words I used to write (type) out have sometimes, most of the time been switched to spoken words.
A good listener I have.
Always there to listen, to talk, to interact, to encourage.
Always there, patient and dedicating.

"How do you know me?" You asked.
It's you who walked and sent yourself to me.

You know that.
Thank you is just isn't enough. Never enough to show my appreciation of you and what you have done.

You made me believe in the 'L' word.
You did it.

[梦呓] 活动灵魂

2006-05-06T22:24:00.000+08:00

我还是属于忙碌的人吧。
记得心里测验说过我是个不忙不欢的人。

忙得很累。忙得要命。
但却觉得很充实
活着的充实。

虽说充实不是无端的忙碌
但有时候，虽说不知道自己怎会那么忙
但忙，就不要问为什么会忙了。

忙的时候，我才会有动力。
活着的动力。
勇敢追求的动力。
头脑身体也会活了起来。

灵魂才活得起来。

继续做忙碌的人吧。
太闲，总觉得自己在浪费生命。

灵魂要活起来。

[梦呓] What I've Lost

2006-04-22T23:20:00.000+08:00

I think I already know what I've lost.

So much to say, so much to feel.
But there just isn't enough time to think too much about every little thing.
Or maybe we ourselves don't want to think.

As we grow, the problems and troubles that we have to face is also 'growing'.
To avoid being crushed by these problems,
we just have to stop thinking too much.
Stop feeling too much.

Perhaps this is what people mean when they say 'you've grown up!'
And also the line 'ignorance is bliss'.

Perhaps, I'm just lazy.
But I really hope that I'm lazy than to think that I've lost the sensitive ability to feel.

[Life] Lost

2006-04-09T13:43:00.000+08:00

1. I felt that I've lost my brother since he got his girlfriend some years ago. Well, fiance as for now.
2. I am losing my habit of going on MSN everyday.
3. I feel really bad for abandoning (in a way) my comics and japanese learning.
4. I feel sorry for my drawing hobby, I rarely draw or ink anymore.
5. Parts of me have struggled to leave me.

6. Because there are new things taking over them.
7. New people.
8. New surroundings.
9. New culture.
10. New habits.
11. New stuffs.

12. I still miss the old me. Well, some things in me never change though.
13. But some did.

14. I know because I felt it deeply.
15. It's not something bad, I just feel sorry to lose some of the old me.

16. Sorry.

[梦呓]目送

2006-04-07T23:09:00.000+08:00

不要走。
我只能这样说吧。
我们只能这样说吧。
因为我们还是没办法
要走。

只能站在我的地上，与你平行的向前走。
我也不去找她们了。我要送你。
你踏出大门。我爬上看台。
等你经过。目不转睛。
你攀上了天桥，我心陪你上桥。
始终目不转睛地。

你开始走远了，离我越来越远了。
我仍站在原地。
我们只能远处依依不舍的相凝望。

桥灯昏暗。哪怕是一个眨眼，都会把你弄不见。
我好害怕你就这样不见了。

你越来越小。随着你下了阶梯。你又不见了。
你躲在柱子后吗？你绕道走了吗？你去了哪里？
鼻子酸酸的，但我不允许视线变模糊。

心被盐腌着，被大力揪着。呜。

仍追随你的影子，送你送到月台。
看见你拿起手机要找我；我也赶紧发了一个字的短讯给你，希望会比你快。

“不要走。不要走啊。”

原想把你送到火车上。
但最后我还是先走了。

［梦呓］对话２

2006-03-18T12:50:00.000+08:00

三月十二日
（下午二时二十八分）
题：常常在想，几年之外，长睫毛女孩；单眼皮男孩，曾经近在咫尺的未来，已天涯…

“啊咯。”
“啊？那天玩得开心吧？”
“嗯，见到老同学们。”
“那就好。”
“嗯，你弟的婚礼准备得如何了？”
“不知道，我在好远啊，十月摆酒咯。”
“喔，我哥在十一月结婚咯。”
“那么年轻？他几岁？”
“呵，他二十六。”
“喔，跟我差不多。”

［传了一些小漫画。］

“你画的？”
“可惜，不是。”
“喔，猜对了，不像你的画风。”
“你没看过我所有的风格。”
“画给不同的公司就有不同的风格。”
“呃好啦，加多一点，不像你的字。”
“那是很难改的。”
“我有传你我弟的结婚照吗？”
“没。”

［传着那些照片。］
［换了一张使用者照片。］

“（指着照片）像不像埃及人啊？啊哈哈哈哈～”
“你来的吗？”
“是啊，呵呵呵呵。”

［一些照片传送完毕。］

“哈，你喜欢穿粉红色衣啊？”
“没有啦，我喜欢蓝、黑、白，但喜庆节日不穿那种冷冷的颜色罢了。”

［继续传着很多照片。］

“也不是很喜欢啦，那时新年后没带什么衣服回来，那天半夜回到，还要赶明天的场。”
“哇唠，你其实可以把全部拉链（zip）起来再传给我的…而且档案尺寸好大。”
“哪有？我已调小了，原本尺寸都大于１MB 的。”
“看得见脸孔就好啦，又不是要拿来做什么，呵。”
“我不喜欢模糊的照片，而且我也是一位摄影师，这是最小的必须尺寸了。”
“但我不是，而且还要移上移下。”
“我知道你不是，所以想给你呈现更好质素的照片。”
“可是还要等很久耶，传送速度好慢，呵，电脑好多东西了。”
“你安装太多软件了。”
“我有别的事要开程式处理，也有别的东西要下载，你以为我只等着你的照片啊。”
“人就是那么好笑。当事情很复杂，就投诉；当事情简单，也要投诉，懒到不用移动手指的最好。”

“你看，我就说了我们想法很不一样。”

“我只是向你说事实而已，不代表我不想这样。”
“在你还没建议之前，我没那么做而已，并不代表我不会妥协。”

“还有……你不要每次都用这个理由来把赶我走……”

“我没有。”
“这只是我们的合不来。”
“……”

［突然断线，档案传送失败。］

“如果尺寸小，早就传送完毕了。”
“对不起　>.<”

“……所以你要我放弃然后走开？”

“这是你的选择，我没权利阻止你的决定。”
“可笑、可笑、可笑…”
“就笑啊。”
“笑不出。”
“那又说可笑。”
“可笑而笑不出，奈何奈何复奈何……”
“不晓可笑的为何物，也不觉自己想明瞭。”
“也不懂自己做了什么……”
“……”

“我们彼此想要的不一样，所以总闹得不欢而散。”

“我走。 ”

（结束于三时十一分）

又来了。真的是太相似了，所以合不来。
负负得正，人与人没有这个定律。
如上次一样，还是有人逃了。
也许当时彼此都很讨厌自己，因为都看到自己了。

[Quiz] The Gullible Factor Test

2006-03-12T19:35:00.000+08:00

Your GF score is 85.

(Out of a range of 0 - 100, where 0 = mind slave, and 100 = free thinker.)

Free Thinker

Welcome to the top 5%. You're a true free thinker and a person who is well informed about the reality in which you live. Although you may have been easily manipulated earlier in life, you eventually gained lucidity and developed a healthy sense of skepticism that you now automatically apply to your observations and experiences. You are endlessly curious about human behavior and the nature of the universe, and you have one or more lifestyle habits that most people would consider odd or unusual. You are not only of very high intelligence, you are also extremely creative in one or more areas (music, art, software development, inventing, etc.)

If you were in The Matrix, you would have taken the red pill, completed the combat training, and started fighting (and beating) agents from day one.

Your architects: You have cast off reality distortions taught to you by your parents, schooling, corporate advertising and government propaganda. You create your own beliefs based on what serves you best, without much regard for what the rest of the crowd is doing. You are guided by your own internal code of ethics (which may or may not agree with politically-correct ethical codes) rather than any pre-set system of ethics (such as from any one religion).

Take the Gullible Factor test.

[梦呓] 对话1

2006-03-12T15:59:00.000+08:00

三月五日
（凌晨三时二十分）
题：我比从前更寂寞

“还没睡？”
“睡不着，你几时上来？”
“上了很久啊。”
“没看到，上来找歌听没看到MSN…”
“哈，无所谓啊。”
“接了个广告，有点压力。想看你时都不在。”
“喔喔，加油。”
“有点意兴阑珊，广告总带来莫名压力…”
“喔，什么广告来的？不过我要睡了咯…呵呵。”
“其实只是一般设计，却总想不一样。”
“你睡吧…”
“压力来自自我要求吧…一个做广告的人很孤独。”
“对，创作路是孤独的 ^^”
“讨厌这种感觉，变乱码。”
“加油，你行的！呵呵，我睡咯，明天才继续赶功课。”
“过渡期而已。”
“好吧。”
“拜拜咯，好困。”
“我朋友加薪很高…压力。”
“喔喔…"
“没想过当设计师也能有月薪四千，我的变成小巫见大巫了。”
“无论如何你还是要睡了，希望能再找你谈。”
“只要你满意你现在拥有的就好了，呵呵晚安。”
“成年后，钱就很重要了。”
“嗯，好…”

（结束于三时三十二分）

两个婆妈不果断的人，就是这样子。
一个只想打招呼敷衍，一个想深入地谈。第一个逃了。
性格太相似也不好，因为只会令自己更讨厌自己。

[Life] Time Management

2006-02-19T22:53:00.000+08:00

Sometimes things just come.
They don't wait for you to catch up.
They don't care whether you can catch up or not.
They don't care whether you still have things to do or not.

They just come.

Too many things to do.
Too many things to say.

To my assignments, to my learning ability, to my life.

And to you.

Sorry，I'm still having a little problem managing my time.
Feeling nostalgic. Heh.

[Life] 第一个

2006-02-10T17:11:00.000+08:00

地上好多铅笔屑。
自己弄得就要好好清理，不是？

美术工作室，本就应该是一个神圣的场所，摆着让人兴叹富寓意的作品，不可随便亵玩，不可随意闯入。

师傅教我们削铅笔，我们削了就把铅笔屑留下。
很不负责任，不是？

我谨代表全体学徒清理场地，蒂娜也留了下来帮忙。

让我觉得受宠若惊的是
师傅的话

“你们是第一个留下来清理的学生。”

[梦呓] 措手不及，道别

2006-02-02T23:50:00.000+08:00

唯一的感觉是措手不及。

我怎么还是那么地害怕。
我怎么还是没办法把恐惧化为动力。

我还是一样。没鬼用。

我怕的事，好多。可能你会说我只是易焦虑而已。
但最直接的感觉是
怕。

我迫不及待地想住宿无非是因为我想再来一次。
重拾曾经让我骄傲自信的自己。

（你不用多想我怕的是什么，也不用回忆那曾经的我）

我走了。拜拜。匆匆地。

[Test] What Are You Looking for in a Relationship?

2006-01-26T22:17:00.000+08:00

What Are You Looking for in a Relationship?
(A test from Tickle)

Liwen, you're looking for a Best Friend

There are many different ways to look at relationships, but for you, finding a best friend, the one person you share everything with, is the most important. Some people focus more on the romantic image of a soul mate to last the span of time, but you probably prefer the reality of making the most of every moment of every day. And who better to live those moments with than someone who's true blue through and through?

The ideal match for you is probably someone who can anticipate the next word out of your mouth and who laughs at the punch line before you even tell it. Chances are it's important to you that they'd expand your circle of friends, introduce you to new places, faces, and experiences, too. Whether this relationship is here for the short- or the long- term, you're a take-it-as-it-comes kind of person, with few expectations or fairytales to live up to. You'd take your constant companion and trusted secret-keeper over a fairy princess or Prince Charming, any day. Whether you realize it or not, there's someone out there who feels the same way about you. Like you, that someone is looking for the one person to be their best friend — both in the bedroom and out.

[梦呓] 牵挂

2006-01-24T20:56:00.000+08:00

原以为可以像徐志摩诗里写的那样

悄悄地我走了
正如我悄悄地来
我挥一挥衣袖
不带走一片云彩

不过原本的确是这样的
别人的云彩我没带走
只是他带走了我的。

[Quiz] What Type of Banana Are You?

2006-01-15T14:17:00.000+08:00

What type of banana are you?

Slightly Curved

Just enough to stop you rolling down hill, but still produces an acceptable straight line in GCSE maths

Click Here to Take This Quiz
Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.

[梦呓] 别了舞曲，神话一九

2006-01-13T23:30:00.000+08:00

那天我隆重宣布了圆舞曲曲终。
来宾纷纷觉奇，曲终就曲终啊，不需要特别宣布。

可是我就是要这样子。
我做事总会有所保留，但有必要的时候我也可以很彻底。
我要彻底地告别圆舞曲，断绝自己走回头路的机会。

多久了努力把自己变成液体一样随机应变，继续流动在这现实里。
现实啊，现实，脚踏实地，再勇敢地向前迈进。

“那你几时回头啊？”
“我回着头了啊。”

我说过，你要是有本事，就趁我回头之时，从我的外壳探入我内心最深处，窥视我的梦境、我的抱负、我的需求、我的渴望。

而你，很努力、很努力地想进入我的世界。
而出奇地，我没有觉得被侵犯的感觉。
也许有一点，但没有以往的反感与抗拒。

只是我还是觉得不安，尽管我已点头说好了。
我怕被骗。我怕这虚华无实的童话。
我怕自己的多情。所以我更怕自己骗你。

“我要做勇敢公主的王子，然后一起去冒险……”

其实我真的笑了。
只是我不要童话。童话童话，结局还不都一样，大家还不都知道。
你凭什么确定我们就是童话？
我才不要，死也不要。要玩就玩神话，要写也写神话，要听也听神话。
要灭也灭神话。

我把心带了回来，从他那里自己拿回的。
你把我心拉了回来，但你说我还放不下。

“我觉得你现在开始放下了。”

也许是你，把莲丝扯断的。
又或者是，你以为我上锁的门，是因为他而锁上的，所以你说我放不下。
只是后来，我还是决定要为你而开门，你是有心人，非常用心。

而且，我还想爱。
所以我就不顾那些不安了。

因为我还敢爱。
而且我很喜欢敢爱敢恨这四个字。

这是神话，你也同意了。
我没有办法给你天长地久的承诺，因为这不是童话。
我有的，也只是现在而已。我现在爱你。

神话一定会比童话精彩。
如果你的神话与我的神话是一样的话。

神话一九。

[Obsession] 精神粮食

2006-01-04T12:46:00.000+08:00

咖啡么？
我都没上瘾呢。

咖啡因的作用、咖啡因的好处坏处，我曾做过小调查，也担心着自己的健康。我一面喝，一面担心着。为了熬夜、为了虚拟的精神、短暂的兴奋，我喝咖啡。只能说，以前上课的日子，并不会因为兴起而喝咖啡，是因为有需要才喝的。

似乎只有我对咖啡因才有某些反应。
如头晕、手抖、变冷，想呕及没食欲（即使是空腹）。当然还有正常的小兴奋及失眠。
还有，灵感满溢，像涌泉一般。

小小的头晕、恶心等算什么，我的校园记忆才重要，我的熬夜经历更可贵。

我担心我的健康，但我还是如常糟蹋着它。
还没开课，但我今早又喝了咖啡。
也许只是想兴奋一下而已，我的精神粮食。

[Life] Home

2005-12-29T12:26:00.000+08:00

My parents and I went to MMU (Multimedia University, Cyberjaya) this morning to hand in my registration form, and made some enquiries. I went there earlier to buy the form, the malay staffs were rather friendly (or else they wouldn't have been in the Human Resource and Student Admission Dept.).

The facilities are pretty normal, not very impressive, but I was excited. It's not the normal excitement - I was excited and very impressed when I visited LUCT earlier, but this joyful mood is enjoyable, it's warm, it's home. And I met my high school senior when I just stepped out of the cafe. We stared at each other for a second (it's long) and I started smiling and happily greeted her. We didn't really talk, I was with my parents, she was with her friends. But I felt so glad.

We seldom talk even when I was her junior, we were considered close, but we didn't talk as often. Whenever I see her, it seemed like I have a lot of things to share, but I just don't know where to start, and I always feel safe and secure when she's there to look after me, even though we didn't talk. How long since I last felt this way? The feeling of someone that you can count on.

I miss her. I miss my seniors. I miss my life as a weak and ignorant junior, when you still have a bunch of reliable seniors for you to lean on, and always there to guide you, to make you a better person. They did their best for us, and I did my best as a good follower.

I'm looking forward to my new life in the university. I can't wait to join the activities, I don't even know which to drop. I'm glad that they don't allow double major, or else I don't think I'll have any time for CCA (Co-curiculum Activities).

I'll bring some of my memories, some of my passion, some of my innocence and a little of my everything to my university.

I feel so young, full of hope and bursting with energy.

Actually I haven't receive the confirmation letter. Well, they'll regret if they reject my admission. o_o

[梦呓] 逮

2005-12-25T16:45:00.000+08:00

释义：
逮
（1）捉。
（2）及，到。

（请自行判断接下来的“逮”之意。）

我不会站在原地不动，我会站在最前端，你们都在我之后。
如果有谁值得我逮，我也会像你们逮我一样去逮住他。
曾逮过一个，但他后来坏掉了、烂掉了，我就把他抛掉、踢掉。

暂无人让我觉得想逮的，只有人在后想逮我。
我不会因自己将被逮而停下脚步、而投降，
我有比逮人更吸引的梦待我去追。
也许偶尔我会回头，但我不会停下脚步。

你要是有本事，就趁我回头之时
从我的外壳探入我内心最深处，窥视我的梦境、我的抱负、我的需求、我的渴望，
用我的方式；让我跪下仰望着你，心甘情愿地被你俘虏。

你若没有这个本事，你休想逮到我。
你就继续望着我朦胧的背影，嗅着我留下的淡香，嚼着因我快步奔走而扬起的尘土沙砾。

我有我的自负。

[Life] I'm Upset

2005-12-19T00:34:00.000+08:00

This post is meant to be full of angst and anger, and here I point my accusing finger(s) to you, you and you.

Just tell me if you got something to say. If you're a mute like me, write me a letter, or even type an email, or the instant way, messenger and sms.

You irresponsible cowards.

Please kindly inform me if there's a change to the original plan. You're not the only one who's busy. I need to make changes to my original plan to suit your plan. And when I just got back late at night and ask you how's the detailed plan for tomorrow and you told me it has been cancelled. What now? You ***.

You're not the first and only one who had done this to me. That's why I don't do things when I'm unsure about everything. I'm glad that I haven't call up my friend to do you that favour. Or else it'll only be some meaningless work.

When you said you'll come in the morning, make sure you appear in front of me, don't give stupid excuses like "oh the sun is too hot". You didn't PAY me for my hard work, you ***ers, I was just being kind to help you out. Don't take everything for granted.

I know you'll only say that I'm only an emotional and a bad-tempered jerk, but I know what I care.

Cowards. Idiots. Jerks. $@#!*%.

[Life] Craving for a Change

2005-12-13T09:52:00.000+08:00

I think I'm going back to God, I somehow feel closer to Him again.

But I'm keeping myself away from some people. I distanced myself from my family and my close friends, those who are supposed to be close to me, who used to share my joy and my sorrow. I sometimes don't even feel like going back home nor going back to school.

I don't feel like returning to where I belong, or where I used to belong, because I don't think I belong here anymore. I couldn't feel that way anymore.

And I exactly heard what my mind was saying - let's change.

I need a change of the same old environment. I think I can adapt to new situations better than to stuck with the same old place back in here. I want a total change, people and place.

I've graduated from my high school, which means I'm no longer a high school student, I'm leaving my school, leaving the teachers, leaving my juniors behind, leaving my friends. People say friends are for you to lean on. Well, sometimes I have to admit it, but it doesn't mean that you can depend on them anytime and anywhere. You got what I mean? You have to depend on yourself, you're living on your own, walking your own path after all, it has nothing to do with them.

I'm unconsciously keeping myself away from them, because I don't feel the need to depend on them mentally. Practically, I still need to keep in touch with them, who knows they might help me in my future, that's what public relations and communication experts do, because they are useful to us, or they might be.

Am I independent? I'm not interested to answer this question. I'm only trying my best to stand alone, to depend less on people (for my inner thoughts and feelings), because they aren't really that good, you know, they aren't there when you really need them. That is why, you just have to train yourself up to loosen your grip.

I'm not really that distant, pals. But you'll understand what I mean, because you're just like me.

[梦呓] 逞强

2005-12-07T22:24:00.000+08:00

该说的就要说，拖拖拉拉没意思。
明明就是你的意思，为何偏偏一定要从我口中说出来？
既然我知道一定是由我说出的，那我就要彻彻底底地公布。

既然是我的决定，我不会后悔。
事情这样子，我应该高兴，一切因我而起，最后也由我放句点。
多少次偷偷地为你哭泣，你不会知道，你不用知道，你也不会想知道。

最后送给你的那份礼物，是出自真心的，卡片上的每一字，也是真的。
我从不会给你什么诺言，因为我知道都是骗人的，就像你给我的一样，还好我从不曾把它们当真过。
我知道最后一定会如此，只是我还是坚持要送给你，花了多少时间，你不用知道。

我还是坚持要尽我的责任，尽我对你的心疼，完成给你最后的礼物，你那天回头走了，我还把你叫住了，还是把礼物送到你手里了。

礼物是什么，你知道，我知道。这些事不需要说得太明白，礼物到底是真的还是假的。

你有太多你不知道的事，我有太多想让你知道的事，而你又有太多我很想知道的事，而你从来都不让我知道，也没有很想去知道我的事。

我明白，一直以来，都只是我在逞强。
我很固执，我知道，我喜欢逞强，我知道，就只有你不知道而已。

因为到最终，我还是哭了。

[Life] Fade Away

2005-12-06T15:05:00.000+08:00

[Read related post]

"I hope the red doesn't fade away before I give it to you."
My hope has been fulfilled - it (officially) faded after I gave the present to you.

Honestly I tried to hold on, but you're the one who first gave up - that made no reason for me to hold on anymore. And I just have to voice up the matter - because I bet you won't.

Glad that your exams has finished and my camp was over and we're back at home, back on MSN messenger.

I brought up the topic, suggested the solution, and you agreed to it.

I'm glad because I prefer to stand on a stable ground than to walk on a path leading to nowhere.

I still have to say, thank you for everything, they're much appreciated.

[Indulgence] Excorcism of Emily Rose

2005-11-26T23:59:00.000+08:00

I watched "Excorcism of Emily Rose" in the cinema this afternoon.
I thought that you might know it - I was crying and sneezing and not sneezing because I'm cold.

It touched me, deeply, throughout the whole movie.

This is the epitaph on Emily's grave:

"Work out your salvation with fear and trembling." (Phil 2:12)

The quote below is taken from Grace Place - Work Out Your Salvation.

"To work out your own salvation is to solve by means of going to the very source of our salvation, going into the Word to renew our hearts and minds and to come into His presence with "fear and trembling." The fear spoken here in NOT a fear of running from God, but a different type of fear, a "reverence". A fear of not knowing that causes us to seek God and His presence. "Trembling" refers to a shaking due to weakness, but this is also a weakness of higher purpose-a weakness that brings us to depend on God."

But my weakness caused me to run away from God. I cried because I know He hasn't and never ever gave up on me, even though I ran away.

I cried, because I know that I'm not on the right path now, I didn't feel like that - like Erin did, but I did had that feeling before. I did.

I cried, because God has always been there for me, and I turned my back, so that I wouldn't notice Him.

I cried, for my weakness and faithless inside.

I cried, because it reminded me of Your first miracle to me when I was 10, when I was praying - or more like talking to you sincerely in my kiddy ways.

I cried, because I miss God.

My weakness leads to the devil in me, I will try to walk on the right path again - I just need time, to regain my courage inside. 愿主永远与我同在。

Thank you for guiding me to watch this movie. Thank you. It has always been your way to communicate with me.

奉主耶稣之名，阿门。

[梦呓/诗词] Trapped

2005-11-25T22:49:00.000+08:00

In a room
I locked myself in
It was warm and cozy
Although it's only one dark room.

Trusting my feelings
I tried to turn on the switch
Not expecting any light
Not at all.

A habit perhaps
To reach for the switch
In dark rooms.
Nope, nothing happened
As I expected.

I felt relieved, there is
No miracles after all
And nothing has changed
So I thought.

But later I heard a soft 'tick'
The light was on
Shyly, slowly
The room became brighter
The warmth of miracles.

Brighter and brighter
Not too bright, nor too dim
I enjoyed the company of the light.

It dimmed after some time
I thought it was The end of the miracle.

I slowly reached for the switch
Trying to find out the reason
The light muttered softly
Perhaps I was too sensitive
I told myself
There was nothing wrong.

Dimmer and dimmer
Not too dim, or is it too dark?
Perhaps I was too sensitive again
There wasn't any light
At all.

Dark, cold and quiet
No warmth, no light
I touched the switch
Which was still ignoring me.

Waiting for it to work
Please, just a little, very dim light
I need to know where the door is
So that I could get out.

I prayed.

“寂寞是一個人的狂歡　狂歡是一群人的寂寞
寂寞　因為讓別人走進了生命。”

（Quoted from daCorn）

非常非常地喜欢这句话。
也许我也很寂寞，
因为不小心打开了心窗
让他走进了我心里。
困着了。

[Indulgence] Shut Up

2005-11-20T20:10:00.000+08:00

I have one plastic brown-crepe-paper-wrapped container, carrying my poster colours (something which I never know how to use it properly and artistically), and on the outside I wrote 'SHUT UP'. I didn't take any photos of it, so I couldn't show you.

I did a series of doodles named 'Shut Up' too, using dolls with sewn mouths as models.

Have you ever tell others to shut up? I did, but not much. I tell myself to shut up more. Because my mind's too noisy. Sometimes we just need to sew up our mouths in order to finish our work effectively.

Here are the doodles. Click the images for larger version (linked to original link).

[Life] Sinful

2005-11-15T22:44:00.000+08:00

I'm avoiding God.
I'm scared because I'm sinful.
I feel so faraway from You.

I know you're still with me, but I'm the one who's running away from You.

Because I'm so sinful that I don't dare to face You anymore.
I forgot how long have I been running away and closing my eyes.
But I told others to depend on You, to pray to You.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

[Quiz] Color Quiz

2005-11-15T18:43:00.000+08:00

Li+Wen took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test!

"Seeks the determination and elasticity of will nec..."

Click here to read the rest of the results.

Here are my results.

Li Wen's Existing Situation

Seeks to share a bond of understanding intimacy in an esthetic atmosphere of peace and tenderness.

Li Wen's Stress Sources

Eager to make a good impression, but worried and doubtful about the likelihood of succeeding. Feels that she has a right to anything she might hope for, and becomes helpless and distressed when circumstances go against her. Finds the mere possibility of failure most upsetting and this can even lead to nervous prostration. Sees herself as a 'victim' who has been misled and abused, mistakes this dramatization for reality and tries to convince herself that her failure to achieve standing and recognition is the fault of others.

Li Wen's Restrained Characteristics

Circumstances are such that she feels forced to compromise for the time being if she is to avoid being cut off from affection or from full participation.

Li Wen's Desired Objective

Seeks the determination and elasticity of will necessary to establish herself and to make herself independent despite the difficulties of her situation. Wants to overcome opposition and achieve recognition.

Li Wen's Actual Problem

Li Wen's Actual Problem #2

Depleted vitality has created an intolerance for any further stimulation, or demands on her resources. This sense of powerlessness, combined with frustration that she cannot control events, subjects her to agitation, irritation, and acute distress. She tries to escape these by stubborn insistence on her own point of view, but the general condition of helplessness renders this often unsuccessful. Is therefore very sensitive to criticism and quick to take offense.

[梦呓] 梦呓

2005-11-10T21:56:00.000+08:00

当我以为一切已回归伊甸园之时
当我以为那锈铁笼已被销毁之时

当我以为我的盾和枪能够顶挡万枪刺穿万盾之时
当我以为苹果掉在我头上能够写上一篇论文之时

当我以为一切都在我手中之时
当我以为自己是神之时

我最害怕的就是醒过来。

[梦呓] Out of the Cage

2005-11-08T15:56:00.000+08:00

(Caged.)
(Still Caged.)

I'm free.
I've gotten out of the cage.
I'm happy.

Others feel empty when they are out of the cage.
They feel meaningless.
They don't know where to go.
They don't know what to do.

But I'm really glad that I didn't feel what they are feeling.
Because I'm free.

Free to start a new dream.
Free to build a new road.

[Life] Sometimes

2005-11-05T22:57:00.000+08:00

People shouldn't just open their mouth and make some noise without going through their brain.
They think they're funny and humorous, but they are not.
They act like they want you to slap them in their face, they won't be satisfied if you only poke them gently; and when you slap them, they scream and cry and make a big fuss out of it and say you're very harsh.
If they're pissed off of my unfriendly attitude, I guess I would feel not-so-pissed.

Well.
You may say that I'm sensitive, paranoid, _______, ________, ________. (Fill in the blanks)

But sometimes, you just know whom you click with and whom you don't.

[Indulgence] Throwing Away The Memories?

2005-11-02T00:13:00.000+08:00

Cleaning up the rooms.
Flipping through the old notes and books on the shelves.
Thought I went back to the past, some of the memories were still warm and loud.
But I need to get rid some of the memories, or it'll become a burden.
Piling up the unwanted books and notes, packing the still useful books back to the shelves.
Piled up papers will be tied and be recycled.
My memories of them will have been hidden somewhere inside my brain without them to remind me.
Let memories be memories.
Sometimes I'm tired of looking back. But without the past, I'm nothing.
So I just take note of some of the important things I want to remember.
Let the other miscellaneous memories hide somewhere else.
I didn't know I have been keeping Lu Zhi Jing's Mathematics for years.
So many stuffs. So many memories. So much money spent.
Memories doesn't need to be reminded every second.
That's why I always feel lighter after the clean-ups.
Sometimes I'm just lazy.
Procrastinating, you know.
Just like now. *giggles*

[Obsession] 奢侈的魅力

2005-10-31T15:57:00.000+08:00

我有自己的梦。

如果想把自己的梦化为真实的天堂，总必须要买建筑材料吧。
用来买建筑材料的，莫过于同氧气般重的钱。

除了美术馆、博物院，及旅行，真实的梦，我就从来没有在别的地方发现过; 即使是之前发现的梦一般的古迹什么的，都不及我在那里的发现来的真实。

我具体地摸到那些砖块的坚硬与冰冷，踩着每一块固执硬朗让人不敢随意侵犯的石砖地，看见摆在眼前的一个个用心雕创然后筑在平稳地上和墙上的梦之作，吸着有筑梦器香味的空气（就像一栋正在装修的房子，那些尘土味、洋灰味，闭上眼睛也能辨别出来的味道。），感觉在我身边走过、那些有血有肉、理论上跟我一样的人。我嘴只能微张，只能不停的屏息哑叹每一寸高贵、每一寸真实。

以及每一分奢侈。

我没有找周公，我就站在一个现实里的梦境里了，梦里还有活生生的人，理论上跟我们相同的人。实际上我们却不一样，虽然他们在跟我说话，从我身边走过；虽然我也会说话、也会走过别人的身边，但我们还是不一样。说的俗套一点，就是不同空间的人。他们漂亮、华丽、有现代及商业的味道又不失高素质之香气，我迷恋着那种华贵、那种奢侈。

很迷人。

听着他们叙述着那里的故事——

“这里是前途、也是钱途。我们将让你知道如何把创意及灵感发挥得淋漓尽致，不受时间空间所限。”

前途？钱途？在我们踏上前途之前，钱都不够了，哪来的前途呢？如果已有钱了，那真的还需要如此迫切地求钱途吗？

我没有想过自己不能变得如此奢侈迷人，只是想着自己从一开始就不奢侈了。梦，我会自己建造，管他在现实的基地里还是在想象的国度里。

我会自己铸造自己的梦。

只是我知道我会少了一点点的勇气，因为在那里，大家都跟我有相同的抱负，即使没有，我也感觉得到每个人都有某些异曲同工之处。

所以在这里，某些情节上，我还是要孤身上阵。
就跟往常一样，我只需要勇气。

去接受某一些结果、去抗拒某一些古板、去创造自己的梦。

奢侈的魅力，不足以击碎我的勇气。

（献给林国荣创意工艺大学学院）

[Life] It rained

2005-10-25T22:05:00.001+08:00

Yawns. Nescafe Coffee. Textbooks. Stomach aches. Panadol. Notes. Vitamin B-complex. Heavy and aching eyelids. Boh Tea. Excercises. Optrex eyedrops. Nap.

Lastly, yay.
Yay yay yay. That's all I can say.

"Expect for the worse - F9's for all the subjects, so there won't be any disappointment."

Finish the whole sentence, don't read until F9 and tell me it's impossible. I said 'won't be any disappointment'.

Yay yay yay.

Then we took photos and I bounced for a while. Later we went to KL and bought some coloured papers for stage decorations. Yeah we were tired.

I sang songs and bounced around. The sky seemed cloudy and it started to rain when we reached Klang bus station. We waited for bus 65. We chatted and ate some sweets. I sang and bounced around again.

Yay. Here came the bus. Under the rain, we were queueing to get on the bus. Sitting at the last row, we were bouncing with the bus. The yellow lights of the cars and the yellowish and orangey evening were very intriguing. I thought I was in a foreign city, so beautiful and fun. Then I thought the bus went into a old mine tunnel as the sky turned dark. We got off when it reached our station.

On my way home, I kept repeating a song. I kept singing this song.

konna koto ii na, dekitara ii na
anna yume konna yume ippai aru kedo
minna minna minna, kanaete kureru
fushigi na POKKE de kanaete kureru
sora wo jiyuu ni tobitai na (hai! takekoputaa!)
AN AN AN
tottemo daisuki
DORAEMON

The books I was carrying was rather heavy. The stuffs I bought just now was kind of bulky too. I was holding an umbrella. It's raining but I didn't really feel the rain.

I was happy.

"...ang ang ang... tottemo daisuki... do-ra-e-mo-on...."

I didn't stop singing until I reached home.

A voice retorted, "You could have come home earlier if you just call home."

"Do I look like I'm very depressed(when I got home late) right now?"

It's 7.15pm. It's considered not late for a rainy day. I told you that I would be back late. I call you only when I felt that the bags I'm carrying were too heavy or when I'm too tired that I could faint and roll down the sloppy road if I take another step and when it's very late and the bus still hasn't arrive.

It's not like you're very eager to get me everytime when I call back. I know that the road was jamming and I don't want to waste your time and the petrol. Furthermore you would probably spend the time on the road wasting your saliva cursing how bad the traffic is. If you really don't mind, then don't let others think that you mind a lot.

Don't make me feel that the whole world is failing to communicate with me. Vice versa, don't make me think that everyone fails in communication and I'm the only one who knows how to speak.

Now I know how the husbands feel when they took the first step into the house, their wives started to fire cannons on them. It's like you're getting ready to get into the house to say I'm back and tell stories of today to everyone in the house and once you open the door, a pancake flew right into your face for no reason.

It rains. It rains. I feel it already.
So I keep quiet. It's the rain's turn to sing.

[Life] 你的程度

2005-10-18T01:32:00.000+08:00

朋友是什么，好朋友又是什么。我不加问号，这些定义，随时间、随年龄，会渐变得越来越清晰。

萍水相逢的，只懂名字的，只懂样貌的，认识多年的，愿意为他赴汤蹈火的，都是我的朋友。关键只在于程度上的差别，只在于你所处的阶段。

我想你们都没有想过吧，是你们单纯，还是我的演技让你误会呢。

在你问问题之前，在你想插手于我的事之前，在你以为自己懂很多而批评我之前，想想我是谁、你是谁，想想我们的关系，想想你自己的程度，不要单纯地认为朋友就是朋友。朋友也好，身份地位也罢，任何事物都有所谓的程度、品质之差。

不管是什么样的朋友，都可以给于建议及鼓励。如果你的表达方式很失败，那请你不要乱说话，几个简单的字，就够了。

不过我想告诉你，有时候我觉得没有必要对你浪费唇舌，所以我只会笑笑、点点头。

“嗯。”
“噢噢。”
“是的。”
“不知道。”
“真的呵。”

就让你继续认为我又愚笨又单纯吧，就让你认为我的生活就像你印象中的那样吧，就让你认为你比我有经验吧，反正你没必要知道我的事。

告诉你了，我也不会多长一根头发。
不告诉你，我也不会多掉一根。

[Indulgence] Fix Me

2005-10-11T21:41:00.000+08:00

Fix You - Coldplay

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

I felt like crying after hearing the song on Mix FM. I was studying Biology. My stomach was aching. There was a bottle of water on the table. It was quiet. There was only Coldplay singing to me.

Maybe I am broken and I was just grateful that I heard the voice saying that it was going to get me fixed.

[Indulgence] Not Turning Off My Lights

2005-10-11T04:39:00.000+08:00

(When the Sun Is at the Other Side of the Earth, May 5 2005)

It's a habit. It's a hobby. To stay up late.

(But it's not a hobby to stay up late to study, but I still have to. Like just now.)

I didn't turn the lights off before the sun rises. I just lied, I did turned it off for a while, so that I could tell my parents that I did off the lights before I sleep.

It's so quiet when everyone is sleeping soundly in their rooms. I'm alone. It's like you are going for dinner or supper by yourself, and even though there are other people around you, but you know you're still alone. Like now.

When I'm alone, I like to keep everything in view. I normally would stay in my room or in the study room, with doors shut, windows closed and hidden under the curtains. Nobody and nothing could intrude or distract me. I'm in my own little dimension right now. I feel productive as I could draw, write, sing, dance, act, play or do anything I like, nothing's going to destroy my fantasies. Nothing.

I'm getting used to staying up late, it's a habit that couldn't be thrown away easily. Unless the surroundings, the situation, the people and everything around has changed, or else old habits will remain as the stimulators are still the same.

It might be a bad habit, a bad hobby, perhaps a torture to my body. I couldn't balance my spiritual and physical needs. My eyes hurts, eyelids are getting heavier, my skin and my hair will be in a bad condition, not to mention my internal organs. They couldn't repair themselves if my brain's not resting.

I'm tired but I don't feel like sleeping. I wish time would stop so that there'll never be a tomorrow, so that I don't have to go back, so that I could stay here forever.

But there are some rules you just have to follow.

Mama, I'm turning the lights off. I was studying and I'm going to bed now. Goodnight.

You know, my lights are still on. I could still dream. And keep on dreaming.

[梦呓] 雪中送炭

2005-10-09T02:16:00.000+08:00

原来我觉得很冷，我都没有发现。

同时，在同一天，几个他都递上一件棉衣。穿上时才发现棉衣很暖，因为我冷，所以才觉得暖。

原来我在雪地里会觉得冷啊。那些棉衣真得很暖…… 可是我宁愿他们没有给我温暖，那我就不会察觉到自己很冷了。那我也不会发现只有你没有继续送炭。之前的炭都烧完了，难道你不知道炭是要换新的才能够继续烧起来，才能够继续让我取暖吗？

我敏感多心，我自己多愁善感，胡思乱想，自己杞人忧天。可是即使我一直这样告诉自己，我都没有办法阻止我自己的感官，因为不由得我自己的意识来控制，所以我还是觉得冷啊。无论如何这都是事实。

给来给去的东西，并不是每个人都不求回报的。我不敢算我给了你多少木炭，因为我不确定你是否都收到，还是你根本就不需要我的炭。

之前有个他送了我棉衣，我已经觉得奇怪了，毕竟他向来都只送过我茶叶啊，我开始怀疑。只是没想到他会当场要求我回报他，太突然了，我临时给不了。之后，他不再寄温暖，偶尔捎来一些问候，关心我的体温。现在，什么也没有了。若那时他给我时间，也许我今天期待的会是他的炭，而不是你的炭。也许我不该那么快把我的炭给你的，可是你一直催促，我应该就继续寄些茶叶给你泡热茶就好了，因为我是在完全没有想过你会接受我的炭的情况下给你的。也许透过品茗，我才能够让你更懂我，我也可以更了解你，我更不会像现在一样那么在意。

那这些棉衣，我又该怎么办？

有时候我想送回茶叶给你，然后再把炭送给别人。说不定我不会再因此而觉寒。只是我还不想不送炭给你啊。我也还没有办法就这样把炭送给别人。

如果我仍像以前那样，一个人在雪中，没有遇上什么的(当然有一些只交换茶叶的路人），我根本就不会懂寒冷为何物。

[诗词] 看火箭（歌）

2005-10-02T12:54:00.000+08:00

词： li wen
曲：请自行编曲

我们坐上你开的火箭
休休休

我不喜欢这样的火箭
no no no

发射咯发射咯三二一
咦咦咦？

我看见火箭飞
你们在火箭上飞
喔喔喔
我还在这里啊
我怎么还在这里啊
我也上了火箭啊

开火箭的人向我摇头
左右左
“真是不上进。”
因为我把成绩册弄脏了
越来越脏哦

我只能掩着耳朵唱
啦啦啦
啦啦啦啦

后记：
开火箭的人说，火箭不需要像火车一样由人去开，（可是我觉得那火车的速度就好像火箭一样快）加上他们是轮流驾驶的，所以比较像接力赛，我们是接力棒，可是我不是，因为没有专业选手会把棒子遗留在原地的。

[Life] My Prejudice

2005-09-27T23:39:00.000+08:00

It has been more than two years, staying under the same roof with her.

I don't hate her but I just dislike her. She did nothing big enough for me to hate her. But I know we're just different in the way we think. And I could say that I hate the way she thinks. Most of the time. It could really piss me off sometimes. I wonder how my face look like when I got pissed. But I know it's not that bad, because I did conserved my anger a little for those times. I still respect myself.

She's not that bad, she's a good girl I know and he likes her for some reason. I thought I was jealous because he tells stories to her instead of me. But then I found out it was the way she talked. I'm being subjective here - Why geminis often hurt people unintentionally? (You know who you are, and you should know if you're not one of them.)

You're walking on the streets in the rain. Other people are holding umbrellas. "Splish splash" says the puddles of water. Someone suddenly bumps into you with his umbrella. "Ouch" you say because it's painful and you feel like yelling at him. But you found out that he just walks past you like nothing happened. He doesn't know. And what can you do? Catch up and give him a slap?

I didn't do anything. I just wanted to avoid conflicts.

Actually I still remember the painful moments. How could you say that? How could you joke about something like this? How could you do this in front of us? I'm unable to make things clearer to you, like giving examples of her words because it would be a very long story.

But I could say that, I'm still not ready to accept her as a part of my family. We're like electrons of the same charge, although we look like we have a lot in common, but electrons of the same charge repel each other.

I'm sorry.

(They're actually sitting next to me by the time I'm typing this. Maybe I did want them to know. But their eyes aren't on my monitor.)

[Life] In My Reality Of Dreams

2005-09-23T21:15:00.000+08:00

I don't remember most of my dreams.

But there are some vivid dreams that I still remember. I write down my clearer dreams right after I woke up, no matter what time it is, I write down the keywords - the people, the places, the colours, the weather, the food, the animals, the plants, the feelings... Anything that I could remember the minute I woke up. And later on that day, I thought I could remember the whole dream, but then as I look through my notes, I couldn't remember all of them, I missed out some important details, and added some details that weren't in my dream at the beginning.

Memories tell lies.

I guess there are only 7 or 8 dreams that I still remember right now, which I think that it really means something to me. Putting all of them in words is time-consuming. Although I've already wrote down the 3 most recent dreams I had. I might be adding more details if I write the other 4 or 5 out.

There are too many things that I wanted to tell myself in my dreams. A whole lot of them. The dreams are long, including a lot of my inner fears and current situation. It's not nice to see all your inner problems being shown to you in a few minutes or even a few seconds time.

I wanted someone to listen to me. I wanted to talk about it. But I don't know whom shall I talk to and how am I going to make everything - my past, my fears and my secrets clear to them? They don't know them all. They'll probably know some of my past, while the other friend know some of my little dirty secrets, while another know some of my random stuffs.

No one knows all of me. Even if you think you do, I'm still hiding some part of me from you.

I checked my mobile phone, maybe I should call somebody up. There are a lot of contacts but I couldn't find anyone. I logged on my IM, checked my contact list, I know there are more than two who are always willing to lend out their ears, but I don't know where to start.

Still...I wanted someone to hear me.

So I blog. I guess this is the main reason.

I don't know. I don't know where to start. I don't know how. I don't know why. I don't even know what to say anymore. I'm still lost. Although I'm pretending that I'm not. There is still a distance between others and me. I don't know who I want to talk to right now. I don't know who you are. Most importantly, you still don't know what I'm babbling about.

I would answer that I'm a realist instead of a dreamer last time when I was answering quizzes, without a doubt. But now I think that I'm more to a dreamer. I would rather my dreams are my reality so that I don't have to learn how to survive in here.

I should stop. I'm lost and confused.
I hope you are not, so you can wake me up.

[梦呓] Searching For You To Paint You Red

2005-09-14T20:27:00.000+08:00

I bought a wrapping paper with alphabets and numbers from aeiou studio.
Alphabets in black outlines as the background, numbers in solid black as the foreground.
Generally the paper is in white, topped with a little black.

I wanted to find you. To find your name in the pond of alphabets.
I will find your name, and paint them red.
Red, as my love, my heart, my passion and my lust for you.

I miss you, that's why I'm finding you.
The wrapping paper will soon be in white, black and red, it'll be alive soon.
It's boring because it's missing the red, your name in red.

I hope I can give it to you on your birthday, with the red colour.
Red, as my love, my heart, my passion and my lust for you.
I hope that you will only find this out on your birthday.

I can say it aloud right now because I know you are not here.
I hope the red doesn't fade away before I give it to you.

Red, as my love, my heart, my passion and my lust for you.

[梦呓] Still Caged

2005-09-10T15:06:00.000+08:00

I'm profusely bleeding.
I know that the pain is too much,
When I found out that I couldn't feel the pain anymore.

I have to stitch my wounds.
Before it's too late.

My needles are blunt and rusty.
My threads are so fragile and weak.
I'm reaching out of the cage at this moment
Just to ask

May I borrow yours?

[梦呓] Caged

2005-09-05T22:20:00.000+08:00

- Artwork by ketchup-suicide.
(Click image for original link)

I am caged. Head tearing apart.
I am blind. I am numb.
I couldn't stretch out my wings.
You're not seeing my wings, I know.
I just wanted to fly in my piece of sky.
But I couldn't. I couldn't right now.

Yet I'm trying. I didn't try very hard.
But I'm trying.

I'm going to disappoint all of you.
What you think is important is not important to me.
What I think is important is really necessary to me.

I'm bleeding.
But I will keep on.
I just wanted to fly.
I don't want to be killed.
If I have to die, I would've kill myself.
I would die in my own hands,
Not yours.

(I will stay in the cage for some time.
Won't be updating for two weeks.)

[梦呓] Could have been better

2005-09-01T22:40:00.000+08:00

If I had not been blind,

I would be hiding under the well.
I would be dancing as if I were given a new life.
I would be singing my own songs lustily.
I would be dreaming like a schizophrenic.
I would be what I was as before.

I would not have died so easily.

[Thoughts] Names

2005-08-31T15:59:00.000+08:00

Does your name hold any meaning?
Mine does.

Even there are names for today.

Happy Merdeka Day. (Read Janet's post)
Happy Blog Day. (What is Blog Day?)

And of course it means much more.

(Edited on 1st of September, 2005:)
What is a blog?

[Life] She Stared At Her Index Finger For Hours

2005-08-29T16:28:00.000+08:00

She hurt her left index finger on the 13th of August, 2005.
She has no idea how she got the bruise.
She felt a slight cramp on the finger when she tried to pick up the ball during PE (Physical Education) lesson.
She looked at her finger, felt a slight pain on the slightly reddened swollen finger.

Reminded her of The Cyst.
It got more swollen. The skin had turned greenish. Then bluish purple.
About 9 hours later, it looked like this.

Two days later, with the help of Olfen Gel, her finger looked like this.

Yes, it was getting better.

Until today, her finger is normal.
No scars. No pain.

Cacat.

[Life] Comparing Love

2005-08-28T02:50:00.000+08:00

I would consider long when people ask me who will I place in the first place. My friends, my family, or my significant half? It was hard to answer, because I treat them equally.

Family are people who are blood-related to us since we were born. They know my habits at home but they don't know who I am when I'm at work. They don't know my achievements and my social skills with my superior and team mates.

Friends are people whom we meet as we grow. They are nice to be with, but they don't know who I am at home, they don't know who I am behind them. They don't know how I look under my skin, since most of the times, we were just talking craps and nothing more.

The significant other might as well as a lover, is someone that we lay special feelings on. I thought he would be someone like my friend and my family, so that he'll know different sides of me, the more complete me, but he couldn't and I didn't make him to be one. We need time. But he know the other side of me that nobody else's know.

Every relationship holds different meanings to me, so I don't compare. But if I really had to choose, I'll place my family as my first priority. Because I am fated to be their burden since I was born. They have the somewhat responsibility to look after me. They won't abandon me (completely) no matter how bad I am.

But the others might.

Thus I trust my blood - which is thicker than water.

For my own good.

But I still treat them equally now, because nobody wants me to choose.

If I didn't mention that I love them, it doesn't mean that I don't love them.
Just like if you don't talk, nobody will think that you're a mute.

[梦呓] 崩溃 / Break Down

2005-08-23T03:15:00.000+08:00

(Click for larger image)

(Click for larger image)
(Click for larger image)
(Click for larger image)

I added some colours, but I forgot how to colour nicely.

That's why sometimes colours are annoying.
Don't ask about these scraps.
I don't know.

When I have nothing to hold on to, I feel like suiciding.

[Life] My Number

2005-08-16T23:28:00.000+08:00

She asked for my number and I gave it to her.
She messaged and I thought it was her.
'She' called but it was a 'he'.

He introduced himself.
He asked if I remember him.
Yes I said and we talked.
He asked if I mind that she didn't tell me.
She didn't tell me that she was asking it for him.

I said I don't mind because it's not necessary.
I couldn't do anything about it.

Some friends have my number, but they didn't call.
I didn't call them either.

Lucky that we didn't lost each other's numbers.
Since we lost the topics.
I hope that the feelings are with the numbers,
And not with the topics.

But somehow
Some feelings were lost.

[诗词] 乞丐

2005-08-15T21:26:00.000+08:00

半透明的细针嘀嗒嘀嗒
垂直落在屋檐上
为什么不会是温柔的
叮咛叮咛呢
躺在霉湿的纸皮上
有了被单我没有被子
我瑟缩在一角
垂死般的瘫痪

络绎不绝的双脚踢踏踢踏
在我半遮的眼前
为什么不会像木鱼声
平静安稳呢
想着昨日的今天
忘了什么也想不起什么
最初的梦想
寂寞地腐烂

发黄变样的纸杯装了
两角的希望忽那里
闪过了一个铜板我向它伸手
拼了命莫及啊
有小手指捡了
高跟鞋似乎也骂了什么
也不难过为日常琐事

心情很静
比停格的画面还要定
我似乎也
期待着奇迹般的
绿洲吧

[梦呓] 说话

2005-08-13T22:36:00.000+08:00

我们说了好多话。
是你说得比较多，还是我说得比较多呢？
一开口，我们总是没完没了。

有些人一开口，我就不想和他说话了。

我们难得的投契。
可是我们现在这个样子，就像我和他当初那样。
我好久没跟他说话了。

我多么希望我和他可以像我和你那样，像我和他以前那样。
我很想跟他说话。

可是我一开口，就会忽觉词穷。
虽然我有很多话想说。

[Thoughts] A Stupid Story

2005-08-12T01:01:00.000+08:00

People used to post and forward love stories and give comments like "Oh, how sweet!"
Sometimes I wonder how old is the author who wrote the stories. You can read the story below, but there are some frequent grammar mistakes and the author used the word 'text' as a verb.

Jane is a typical college girl who enjoys life to the fullest.
She loves her boyfriend so much and texts him every now and then.
Mark is Jane's boyfriend who works in a call center in los angeles.
He's always busy doing so many things. He only manage to reply to Jane's texts when he got off from work.
One time mark receive a message from jane :
"hi baby! how are you? i miss you! call my house when u get home..take care! i love you!"

mark ignored the message because he always receive the same message whenever it is time for him to go home from work.

"baby, i miss you..did u eat yet?! take care when you get home! ill be waiting for your call..i love you!"

"baby, where are you?! its unfair that you dont reply to my texts... well, im just gonna wait for your call..i love you!"

Mark reaches home and lay on his bed. The last time he knew is that he's reading Jane's text. He was so tired he fall asleep and wasn't able to return jane's call. He can still hear his phone beeps but he's too tired to take a glimpse on the message.
When he woke up the next day, he remembers that he needs to call Jane. He ignored the
messages and dialed Jane's .
No one's answering in her house. He called up her cellphone and he was surprised that her father answered the call. In his voice you can feel his tears and hear his heart tearing apart.

"Mark, why havent you called?. Jane was waiting for your call all night!"

"Dad im sorry. i fell asleep being so tired from work... i was calling ur house but no one was
answering. where are you? so i can come over."

"Just meet me at jane's house." Mark went to Jane's house and much to his surprised he saw a
lot of people inside. The house were so lighted but you can see the gloom on every person you'll meet there. He was greeted by Jane's mom on tears.
She hug him tight and cried on his shoulders.

"Jane was waiting for you. She didnt come with us because she was waiting for your call. She was killed by robbers that broke in our house. Shes gone, Mark. She's gone."

"thats impossible..she texted me..how could this happen!"

Mark can't look who's inside the coffin. He can't move and it feels like his whole body is stuck on the chair hes seating on. He wanted to cry but it seems that something is blocking his tears to fall down. He turned to his phone and read the messages of Jane.

"baby, im not coming with my mom and dad.. im just gonna wait for your call.."

"baby..im so scared... it seems like theres someone downstairs..please call me now!"

"baby..someones here..they might kill me.. please call me now, where are you? i need you here..."

"baby.... i love you!..."

He wanted to shout and cry so loud. It's true that Jane is waiting for his call. Up to her last breath she only thinks about him.

He stared at Jane inside the coffin. Suddenly tears starts flowing down his cheeks. He can't say anything. The only words he uttered...

"My baby, i'm so sorry! I could have known, i could have fought for you! i'm really sorry! I love you so much!"

Now, post this right after u've read it.. only if u really luv sumone enuf..

I post this here because I love you enough. I don't like these kind of illogical stories being spread around like blessings. I don't think it's a good way to tell people to reply messages, it just doesn't make sense. The girl in the story is just, one word to describe, stupid. If you love someone, you would try your best to live on, not just keeping laughable one-sided promises and acting innocent.

But I seriously doubt that anyone would be so brainless to do as the girl did in the story. If there is, I hold no pity for the imbecile.

I don't understand those who had forwarded the story, and said that it was sad and treated it like a real life happening.

[Life] An Hour Later

2005-08-09T20:47:00.000+08:00

Didn't sleep for 2 days.
The second day, I slept for an hour, it wasn't a deep sleep though.
I wonder what happened after I woke up from the one-hour sleep.
I didn't care, as I couldn't think clearly. My mind was occupied with "Zzzz's".
Some weird things happened.

I don't remember doing anything that morning. I wonder how I changed into my uniform and drank my tea. I have totally no memories of that moment. I was told so. Memory Loss.
I was not wearing my badges.
I skipped time. The clock was saying 6:50 a.m. After one blink, it was already 7:30 a.m.
I wonder how I did the assignments. I couldn't remember.

(Have to do some brain checking, you'll know what I mean if you had watched The Butterfly Effect.)

After I got home, everything was weird too.

My badges weren't at the usual place. They were on the rack beside the sewing machine outside the room, where we keep our clothes hanger.
I couldn't find my comb. I wondered if I had comb my hair that day. But I found the comb a few days later, it was at the small cupboard where mother placed my comb when I was small, about 14 years ago.
I forgot, but I think there was something else that was weird too.

I think it was my subconsciousness who were helping me to go on with my daily life. Some were habits, so my subconsciousness remembers. Thus this is how sleepwalking works. I placed the clothes hanger of my uniform on the rack, with the badges, although I don't know why they were in my hands. Perhaps the cupboard meant something to me, that was why I brought the comb from upstairs to downstairs and to the cupboard, and hid it there.

I got memory loss but made good use of my subconsciousness. Although it misplaced my stuffs, I could still attend my lessons and get home. And that was what happened after an hour (of sleep).

[Quiz] The Sin City Character Test

2005-08-07T19:57:00.000+08:00

Nancy
You scored 77% Morality, 44% Killer Instinct, and 44% Insanity!

You are sweet, but your job as stripper makes you less than innocent and your longing for Hartigan coupled with the fact that you were kidnapped as a child by a homocidal paedophile probably knocked some screws loose somewhere. Still, you're every guy's wet dream, right?

[梦呓] 昧袅袅

2005-08-07T00:34:00.000+08:00

敲。
敲我头。敲我四肢。敲我躯体。
你将会听到“空空”作响。
就是这样的空、这样的虚。
空得忘记了很多历史，失去了很多时间，也少了三魂六魄。

……（只有省略号。）

仿佛刚从四天三夜的生活营回来。行李在地，屁股在椅。
没有动。虽然脏衣脏鞋要洗，报告作业要写。
臀仍紧粘着椅，视线凝在半空，
似乎看到了空气中的粒子进行着布朗氏运动 (Brownian Motion)。

又仿佛刚考完试回到家的那一天。很软，很累。
虽然牢锁着我的枷锁在分针到达那一处时已解开消失了。
但惯性定律（Law of inertia; 又称牛顿第一定律，Newton's First Law of Motion) 就是这样。
在没有外力的干扰下，物体的运动方向不会改变。
之前就是一直倚着枷锁的，枷锁没了，也就突然察觉到这种瘫痪，
没办法制止的。

时间并没有为我而停下；我也没有为任何人而留下。

茫茫的气体袅袅上升，藏进了空气分子间。
我躲在我的那一口井。
井底传来吱吱哑哑、喧哗的孤寂。
也许你不晓得这是我完美无缺的歌声。

[Life] Food Chain Part 2

2005-08-03T23:43:00.000+08:00

Tha ants were eating my candies on the table again.
I left them there 2 hours ago.
I took one of the candy, opened the wrapper, washed the candy with tap water and I threw it into my mouth.

Then I threw the others into the rubbish bin.
Bacause I don't know where to keep them.
Although I know my stomach is the best and safest place to keep the food.
But I can only eat one at a time.
So I throw the candies with the ants away.

If only problems could be thrown away like the candies too.
But my problem was the ants. Even though the candies were gone, the ants were still crawling on the table.

If only I could be the tertiary consumer of the food chain. Or higher.
Then I could finish my problems.

[Life] Food Chain / 食物链

2005-08-01T20:53:00.000+08:00

I left a bar of chocolate
on the table.
Some ants were eating the chocolate.
I ate the chocolate with the ants.

桌上
我留了一块巧克力。
蚂蚁吃着巧克力。
我把巧克力连同蚂蚁一起吃了。

[Thoughts] The Cyst

2005-08-01T17:50:00.000+08:00

This is a flash I recently watched, thank you Mich for sharing this flash with me.

Note: Suitable for age 18 and above.

Click here to view "The Cyst" on RainbowAnimations.
Click here to view "The Cyst" on Newsground.
Well, watch it at your own risk.

Note: Spoilers below.

I really like this flash, it's something different, and perhaps, something hidden.
The graphics is kind of rough, but I think it fits in pretty well. Simple graphics, to tell a story not told.

Everyone has his own cyst or burden, or something that he has to carry around. The cyst on the man's arm probably is getting him curious about it. He was trying to do something with it, so he decided to split it open. There was a little fetus in the skin, and there's a long string which was supposed to be the umbilical cord. The man cut it with a scissors. And he died. While his wife was getting her cyst in her stomach out of her using only bare hands. Blood was dripping, but she was smiling.

People get rid of their problems with different feelings and perspectives. And thus they both have different endings.

The Author (Jeremy Lokken) 's comment was 'A man makes a choice with his cyst, while a woman makes another choice.'

p/s: The last few frames of the fetus is adorable.

Feel free to voice up your thoughts.

[Life] Let Go... Nah

2005-07-27T22:16:00.000+08:00

In the end, she still couldn't let go.
There is something that she holds tightly. So what if she's always the odd one out?

While others are doing something, she has to do something else, and also finish the same something that others are working hard on. Therefore she couldn't complete her everything perfect. But she always tries her best in the matter that she concerns most. She just wanted the projects that are assigned to her turn out to be something unique. She is talented, people say.

It's not about the Seven Deadly Sins or something. some people think too much.

Too bad she has bad time management skills.

Anyway, you're still telling her to let go? Nah, she won't.

(She has stopped lying in the corner of the maze. She's finding a way out.)

[Life] Let Go

2005-07-26T23:28:00.000+08:00

3, 2, 1.
Okay, let it go. Come on, loosen your clasp, and take off your hands. Let the others fall. Thus they will know how to fly.

She has been greedy all the time. She has too much confidence in herself. She has been as lazy as a sloth lately. Here are three out of the Seven Deadly Sins - Greed, Pride and Sloth.

Greed.
She wanted to know everything. She wanted to learn everything. She wanted to do everything. What is it if it's not greed? It's not easy to carry them all. When everything goes together, there will always be conflicts. Facing difficulties on her superiors, social relationships, tasks... Everything is too much. Well, it's not like she is bad in her everything, she did quite well but is slipping off as time proceeds. But she just wanted to do everything, so that everything will turn out perfect.

Pride.
She thought she was good, good enough to take care of everything. Time is so limited, and yet she wanted to do everything. She was trusted by her superiors. Everyone has confidence in her. She is reckoned as a responsible leader, a dedicated follower, a talented professional... and so on. Standing on top of the mountain, looking down at the little blocks under your feet, do you want to climb down that easily?

Sloth.
In stress and tears, she avoided doing some of her work. In other word, procrastinate.

She just has to let go. Let the others do and learn. It is time.
She can always rest and take a break while standing on top of the mountain. They're old enough to take over the position. It is alright to let them fall and hurt a little. You can still give advice and opinions to them.

It is time for her to do something for herself, before it's too late.
Let go and take a nap.

[梦呓] 不平

2005-07-21T22:18:00.000+08:00

有些人很努力很努力，却逃不出那迷宫。
有些人不费吹灰之力，却又好像理所当然地那般轻易逃脱了，而出口竟是世外桃源。
思考模式不一样，想法不一样，结果也不一样。虽然这些看起来都是一样的。
你是前者还是后者呢？我不是前者也不是后者。
因为我没有努力，我在迷宫里的某个拐角

装死。

[Life] Living On Normally

2005-07-18T01:13:00.000+08:00

Was waken by a phone call.
Got myself changed - dark blue hat, dark green top, grey bottom, grey shoes and a dark khaki bag.
Had breakfast.
Out to Mid Valley.
Bought two movie tickets for The Amityville Horror and The War of the Worlds.
Lepak-ed.
Bought two tank tops, a white and a black.
Window-shopped.

Went in the cinema for the first movie. My seat was between two couples.
I'm scared. As if. But I did thought that I'll freak out.
I like the hoax-like murder case in Amityville. I like the background. I like the house. I like the basement. I like the blood and gore. I like the underground chamber where Ketcham torture the Indians. I like the doll-like rotten faces and sewn mouths... (sorry for spoiling some of the scenes).
Met a senior graduate from my school with her boyfriend. We talked.
Bought a reload card for my cell phone.
Watched Fei Bi (菲比) and William (辛威廉）introducing Sony's new camera.
Ate Aunt Anne's original pretzel while listening to William's singing.
Window-shopped and sat on a bench to read Comic King.
A Mat Salleh smiled at me. Actually I smiled at her first.
Went for the next movie. There were couples in front and behind me too.

I like the idea. I like the blood strings and blood vapour. I like the terrified citizens. And most of all, I like the beginning and the ending.
Met up with my brother and his girlfriend.
I miss him.
Had dinner and went home.
Sigh, what a normal and peaceful day.
By the way, I'm procrastinating.

[Quiz] Which Rock Chick Are You?

2005-07-15T22:21:00.000+08:00

Which Rock Chick Are You?

[Life] Shooh.

2005-07-10T14:16:00.000+08:00

It seems like I'm getting more and more reserved, self-defending. I read through my old diaries and journals, they just sounded different. It's not only that I've lost all my childhood imaginations but also my willingness to share and to help. I used to write letters to my juniors when I think that they are lost and they need encouragement to stand up again. I like to play that kind of role.

"Yes, I'm always here with you, don't worry."

Bah. Well, I'm not, not anymore. I'm tired of all these. Although I felt satisfied and happy when I see they reply me with their confidence and walk on straight paths. I do what my seniors did to me. Thank you, I really appreciate them. I was proud of my once caring and helpful and responsible personality.

But people change, as time flows. People grow and people learn. The eagerness and willingness to do something will be lesser and lesser. People get more and more self-centered. People are individualistic and materialistic, I say, practical.

"What does your problem has to do with me? You go away and rot. I can't help you. I'm busy and I've got much to do."

Take a look at your feet. Weren't there some hard and coarse skin under your toes and your heels? I believed that most people who write, they are some parts of the hand with those too. This is because your tender skin before couldn't stand the stress and pain that the output causes, that's why a new thick and senseless layer is grown to protect you. This is our nature. That's why we protect ourselves by not involving too much in others' lives, and not contributing too much sympathy for others. Even robbers and rapists like to misuse sympathy and kindness of people. And the beggars on the roads, someone send them here, I know. The people behind them took the money, and not for the handicapped beggars.

"I don't want to care so much. It does me no good, I don't care if you'll thank me or not, but I don't want to waste my time for this/for you."

"Give me a reason why should I help you."

"What for? It's not like you're giving me money for all this trouble."

I'm turning into someone like this I think. I'm not the goody-goody friend or whoever anymore. Don't mess with me. I need my time. I need to do something for myself. I've had enough. Don't ask me for help. Nobody helps me when I need help. And I don't ask for help. So don't ask me to help you.

Don't worry, I know that there are times that I will need you and you will need me. I'm co-operative in times like this. Don't expect me to be good friends with you. Don't expect to get anything free from me. I mean it. I'll be lonely. So what?

At least nobody hurts me. And I hurt nobody. Since there will always be a distance between you and me.

[Life] Far Away From Home

2005-07-09T12:26:00.000+08:00

I'm at home. I like my cozy room. I like my family and friends.
But somehow I'm not at home and I knew it. I'm right here but I'm not.

I'm listening to a song by Groove Coverage, entitled Far Away From Home. I turn on the repeat mode on my mp3 player. The song, it doesn't have a gloomy or depressing tune; just like I'm not feeling down although I'm far away. Perhaps I'm just a little lonely, perhaps it's my self-defense mechanism effects. Perhaps I think too much.

Far Away From Home - Groove Coverage

I'm loving, living every single day
But sometimes I feel so
I hope to find a little peace of mind
And I just want to know
And who can hear those tiny broken hearts
And what are we to be
Where is home on the milky way of stars
I dry my eyes again

In my dreams I am not
So far away from home
What am I in a world
So far away from home
All my life all the time
So far away from home
Without you I will be
So far away from home

If we could make it through the darkest night
We have a brighter day
The world I see beyond your pretty eyes
Makes me want to stay
And who can hear those tiny broken hearts
And what are we to be
Where is home on the milky way of stars
I dry my eyes again

I count on you
No matter what they say
'Cause love can find its time
I hope to be a part of you again
Baby let a sign
And who can hear those tiny broken hearts
And what are we to be
Where is home on the milky way of stars
I dry my eyes again

[梦呓] Wish Upon the Stars

2005-07-04T23:51:00.000+08:00

I'm waiting quietly and I'm wishing secretly I dare not say aloud what I'm wishing for because I'm hoping that you would know hoping that you would know from my words that has spoken here right here I'm staring blankly into the air can I find your silhouette somewhere you're nowhere to be found because you're right here in my heart but I'm secretly hoping that you're right here in front of me at least wishing that you're right here to hear me out I wanted to be heard and now you know why I always like pictures and words and expressions because these are ways to express and to be heard and thus I started to sulk a little because I have to find someone to talk to but couldn't really find anyone so I started to talk to myself but all the promises that I've made to myself is nothing compared to a meaningless word that you told me I wonder why I feel so sad and lonely but the above statement is a paradox because if it's true then it must be a lie this is a paradox too because it is not completely a lie as I just don't want to believe that the feeling of loneliness is true as I'm too proud to admit that I'm fragile I'm one proud dark red wild rose I have thorns to protect myself and I have what I need to stand on my own feet and to bloom with passion while others are withering and wasting off their life but somehow I transform to one mild white vulnerable carnation when you're right here it is not right because I'm also secretly wishing that you can see the wild rose under my carnation petals and reach the infatuated rose it only could be seen in my little carnation fantasies but not in the reality because you're right here not

Or else I won't be (secretly) wishing upon the stars.

[诗词] 恒爱着

2005-06-29T16:55:00.000+08:00

我把我的爱恋
都沉到海里了。

恋
在海里挣扎着，
不甘心地喘着
呼吸着你。

你仍站在那里微笑
让我心动的那一个微笑。
那天
我把你的美丽
溺在海里了。

我用最华丽的画框
镶起我们的爱。然后
我把自己也
溺在海里了。

哪天
我俩会在水上漂着
没什么
只是两具胀烂的尸体。

永恒了，
我们。

(english version)

[诗词] Forever

2005-06-28T22:43:00.000+08:00

I drowned
my infatuation in the sea.
But
Was struggling in the sea;
Was gasping -
For you.

You were there smiling.
You were still beautiful.
That day
I drowned
your beauty in the sea.

I placed a picture frame
around us. Then
I drowned
myself in the sea.

Someday
Both of us will buoy on the sea.

Like corpses -
And nothing else.

Forever.

(chinese version)

[梦呓] 18岁的圆舞曲

2005-06-27T01:09:00.000+08:00

开始了。
仿佛，电影般的戏剧化。
或说，现实般的连续剧。

单纯的校园生活，单纯的话题。
朋友、老师、演唱会、连续剧、电影、补习、生活营、活动。
曾是很遥远的事--爱情，
就也成了话题之一，日常化了。
像戏里头的年轻人，
谈着她的他，谈着迷茫的未来，谈着自己的钱途。

校园生活如常，
课业活动依然忙碌，时间分配依然糟糕，
也依旧睡眠不足。
依然之中，却穿插着很多第一次。

这些第一次，
比第一次参加某训练营、第一次参与校际某团体大型会议、第一次当主席、第一次犯校规……
更让人耿耿地难忘。

是否像初中那年第一次穿着校服在人群里迷了路？
还是第一次坐在巴士里不停地拍照闪着镁光灯？

不知道，就是不一样的第一次。
要开新的文件夹 (New Folder) 来储存的，因为它不属于任何一个原有的文件夹。
不是俗，这确实是第一次。

第一次拒绝？第一次因此而尴尬？第一次心疼？
第一次告白？第一次拉手？第一次相拥？第一次思念？
初恋吗？初吻吗？初尝禁果吗？

如果你之前说的是真的，那么我的第一次也会是你的第一次。
不太粘，我喜欢。偶尔见面，保持一下我们的温度。
虽然，有时候，我会莫名地担心。

我不是柔弱的小女人。
听起来此地无银三百两，就当我逞强好了。
至少，我的软弱，不是每个人都看得见。
好胜吗？好听点儿，自尊心强吗？随你吧。

男女平等。我不会在乎一些观念，
如男主外、女主内，男生应该承担一切女朋友的费用，男生要主动、女生要被动，
女生要发脾气、调高售，男生要忍、要哄，男生可以这样那样、女生不可以这样那样……
这些大男人小女人的废话，我受不了。

生理上的不平等，我们没办法做些什么。
但是，在责任上，我总觉得双方是可以相互平等的。
只是原始的观念始终根深蒂固地活在那里。原始人，也是如此了。
留下来的潜意识，我也无能为力。
是本能吗？男生的本能，就是保护弱女子，喜欢自己被需要着。
因此，女生不会在自己喜欢的人面前逞强。

我曾大声说过，
一个聪明的女人是在适当的时候装笨的女人。

不知道他听到了这句话会如何，但我不怕让他知道我想的。
我敢说的、我敢做的，我也一样敢承认，对于这些，
我不会小人假惺惺，就像我不懂得假斯文一样。
但我不敢承认我聪明，因为我不晓得
我何时装了笨、何时假了聪明。

我说了，这是本能，我的本能啊。

我是一朵艳丽刺人的高傲野玫瑰不需要什么自己生自己活因你我变成了依偎在你怀里你爱的清纯白色康乃馨每晚悄悄在你耳边说亲爱的晚安

你听到了吗？
开始了，我们的圆舞曲。
我的心仍为你而跳着舞，
我们的圆舞曲还没结束。

[Life] 不爽

2005-06-20T19:47:00.000+08:00

其实我并没有那么反感；其实我是可以接受的。
只是你说我穿那条裙很好看时，我就觉得非常不好看了。
我没有特别针对你，只是从平时交谈中，我知道我们的想法是格格不入的。怎么双子座们都习惯说话这么不经大脑又直中带刺吗？
既然有刺，我当然会用我的壳来保护我自己。
于是，你给的建议、你喜欢的东西、你认为理所当然的事，
我都很排斥、很抗拒。
我没有很明显地表露我的不爽，毕竟我还是会给面子他的。
我没有刻意这么反叛。毕竟我觉得好的东西，不管你说什么，他还是好的，我相信我自己。
只是我觉得不太好的东西，你却说好，我就会更觉得不好。你的建议与支持只会带来反效果，你明吗？

我就是不爽你。

[梦呓] Insecure

2005-06-19T03:45:00.000+08:00

Not sure or certain; doubtful
Lacking stability; troubled
Lacking self-confidence; plagued by anxiety

(Horoscopes magazines say that cancerians tend to feel insecure in most times.)

I don't think I'm the sacrificing type of people, although sometimes the things I did, people say that I'm a dedicated one. But in my opinion, I guess deep in my heart I wanted something in return. I was dedicated for my activities, since I know I'll gain experience that others wouldn't have if they didn't take part. I treat some people nicely, because my belief tells me that they will treat me nicely too. I wouldn't mind to share my feelings, my knowledge and my every thing with you, if you're willing to share yours.

Yes, I wanted something in return.

That's why I have a constant fear for most of the things I'm doing and will be doing. I'm afraid that I wasn't good enough to reach my own expectations. That is why... I don't really ask for anything other than health of my family and friends in my prayers to God, I know that I’m not worth it. God, it doesn't matter whether you believe in Him or not. God is here with you if you believed that He exists. I believe what I believed in. Just like you believe in what you believed.

I don't really share my secrets, if it's really a deep and dark secret, why would I even bother to tell anyone? If I had tell anyone about something, then I'll not be surprised if someday and someone knows it, since it's all within my expectations.

I felt insecure when everything just happened out of my supposition. I don't know what your reaction is if I tell you stories and fantasies. I know that it's nice to be unpredictable sometimes, but not as unpredictable like this. I don't know how you feel. I don't know what you're thinking.

I just don't want to know that our hearts are actually so distant and vain.

Perhaps, I'm just too sensitive.

[诗词]我总觉得

2005-06-13T21:42:00.000+08:00

我总觉得
你的怀抱
比厅里的暖炉还要暖
我赖床一般不愿离开

我总觉得
你的味道
比毒品更易让人上瘾
我奢侈地大口呼吸着

我总觉得
你的话语
比圣经更有感染力
我绝对信仰与服从

我总觉得
你的吻
比红酒更灼更粘更柔
我被征服了无法自拔

我总觉得
我是爱上了你。

[Indulgence] RPG

2005-06-11T16:21:00.000+08:00

Have you ever played any role-playing games before?

When I was small, we used to play the family game (家家酒). Either we played with masak-masak (needed to prepare daily meals or to open a restaurant), stuffed dolls (needed to fill the the positions of children and pets, or even neighbours), mom's old handbags (needed when the mama goes to the market), else we would be replaying the scene of the drama shown the day before. Yeah, and there was Barbie doll. Dress her up beautifully. With my own hanky and some unwanted piece of cloth, ribbons, wrappers, rubber bands, basically anything. To fulfill some of my own desires and little dreams. Everything will be perfect if added imaginations - something that we are slowly losing as we grow.

As I grow, there are computer games. Cool RPGs. Cool adventures. Cool experience. I can decide whether I wanted to be a chaotic evil or a lawful good guy. Choose my own weapons. Skills. Magic spells. Finish off the enemies. Give him a head shot. Slice them. Level up and gain new power, and become stronger. And most of all, in games, we can save and load. Yes, LOAD game. My favourite part. The mistakes would be undone and I can play it differently to get the ending I wanted. The fate of our characters is in our own hands.

Role-playing games, simply make dreams come true.

I'm the cursed and fiery assassin.

I kill cute things. (Yeah, including the cute bard down there.)

I kill macho big bulls and frail lil' mages. (The other assassin just failed to take them down. Pity.)

I hate bugs. Grrr. /pif.

Those two are my subordinates. Notice those sunglasses? Oh well, they just like to follow my style.

Oh yeah, and these are my slaves.

*Pals, sorry for abusing our screenshots. Ahaha. /gg.*

Well, real life role-playing aren't that satisfying. One can be a father, a husband, a son, a friend, a colleague and other roles at the same time. The wider the range of the roles one play, the bigger and heavier one's responsibility is. Even one role can be divided to a few roles. For example, a student. He can be a prefect, a senior, a junior, a president of a club, a teacher's helper, a good friend, a popular kid...you name it. The bitter part of the real life RPG is he cannot undo any decisions made or actions taken.

Things won't really go our way in real life. It's not easy to play all your roles at the same time. It's tiring. But I didn't deny that it is enjoyable (Just like bittergourd, I like the bitterness and the sweetness it gives). You get to learn, to experience, and so you'll know how others feel if they're in your shoes.

I don't know how it works, but I still think that role-playing makes dreams come true.

[梦呓]请用心

2005-06-03T16:34:00.000+08:00

没有表情
但我要你看见我的挣扎
没有声音
但我要你听见我的呐喊

[诗词]磨

2005-05-23T23:25:00.000+08:00

墙上地上的
石灰洋灰
谁记得刚抹上时的潮湿
风干后的粗糙呢

磨平需要多久
用手用脚还是
待岁月鬼祟地磋磨
（不知不觉地）

哪怕我不知道
那墙那地不再像砂纸
般刺人那般干涩
学会了圆滑

（六年我问足够吗？
圆滑地待人处世）

[梦呓] Split?

2005-05-22T22:28:00.000+08:00

She was told that she is cute, mild, funny, humorous, outgoing, outspoken, confident and smart. Those aren't really lies. But she isn't like that. Not completely.

Through her words not spoken by mouth, through her works which can only be seen with eyes, apart from the outer shell - the inner self of her, is moderately different. Presumably it might remind someone about Newton's Third Law of Motion -

For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

But for her case -

For every personality, there is an equal and opposite personality.

It doesn't sound very accurate though. But the concept is rather similar.

She is cute and mild, but she has shown her unpleasant and rebellious ways before.
She is humorous and fun to be with, but she was the one who started the conflicts due to her grate and discordancy.
She is outgoing, but most people didn't know that she would like to be drowned in her own thoughts and her own oasis. Alone.
She is outspoken, although she looks shy, timid and quiet.
She is confident - in most things you'd say? I'd say she is just a coward. She is afraid that people disagree with her, when people distrust her, when people doubt her. And she fears to encounter failures, she fears when everything happens opposing her expectations. Hiding all these, she is confident, to all of you.
She is smart - Well, depends. Whether you will say what she did was stupid or brilliant.

She likes bloody scenes. It's thrilling. Why would a gentle girl like her like bloody and violent scenes?! You'd asked again. (She would say, why wouldn't?)
She likes dolls. Living Dead Dolls. And Chucky (from Child's Play), I guess. But Chucky's dirty. She likes the stitches and sewn mouths or eyes of the dolls too. I wonder if she'll like the big real dolls - corpses, if they were dressed up and sewn that way.

"Split personality?" You'd asked. But it doesn't sound like she has personality disorder, right? Since I am telling you this in such a matter-of-fact tone. Anyway, split personality is different from schizophrenia.

'The popular myth that "split personality" is part of schizophrenia may have arisen because the word "schizophrenia" comes from Greek words meaning "split mind". But the "split" is not referring to "split personality", but rather to the fact that the person is "split from reality".'

(Quoted from Schizophrenia & Split Personality)

Back. I'm not saying that she has a split personality or she is schizophrenic. Hmm...well, she might be. I don't really know her. I was only told that she's like this.

Yeah, I was told.
I was also told that I'm having schizophrenia too. *Giggles* Yeah that's right. Even you won't believe it when you are told that you're suffering from mental disorder, wouldn't you?

[散文]装在袋子里头的回忆

2005-05-16T22:39:00.000+08:00

治安不好，爸妈以前就常嘱咐我们不要带背包上街，免得给别人抢了，自己又受伤，只要把钱包钥匙等东西放进口袋就好了，贴身又安全。袋子如今只为了方便而存在，只为了新潮而多样化。

忆起儿时，我的口袋何止于此呢。衣袋、裤袋、裙袋，只要是有袋子的衣服就是我的最爱。

人之初，性本恶。年纪虽小，但我当年的占有欲已很强了。还记得当时那些“压胶擦”的玩意儿吗？把指尖压在胶擦的一端，大力一按，胶擦就会翻筋斗地前进。只要其中一方的胶擦压在对方的胶擦上，那么这就算赢了。对方的胶擦归赢家所有。那时只能盯着家境好的同学带着一打打的新胶擦来玩。我不敢玩，因为我就只有那么一小块的寒酸胶擦。视线往往停留在同学的蒙面超人胶擦上，久久无法移开。

“性本恶”的我，就这么巧的，只有我一个看到有块超人胶擦从桌子边缘滚到了地上去，停在我的脚边。谁不拾起来的就是白痴，我那时不晓得有没有如此想过呢。我快速地用眼睛确认过没人发现我后，俯身把它拾起来放入口袋里。第一次我偷了东西。当时满头满手的冷汗与挣扎，如今依稀记得。袋子里装着我单纯的勇气与决心。我不记得那胶擦后来怎么样了。那位同学到现在还没发现自己遗失的胶擦吗？

小孩子总是与伤风咳嗽这一类风寒离不了关系。如果纸巾是云吞皮，那么我的袋子就是装热云吞的篮子了。老师说不能乱丢垃圾，所以找不着垃圾桶时，也顾不得脏了，就把沾了温热鼻涕的云吞皮往袋子里塞。原来这个就叫负责任，自己的事情自己解决，硬着头皮也要负责任。

袋子里总是像小叮当的百宝袋般珍贵。收到什么大人请吃的糖果、玻璃弹珠、零用钱、文具等，都全部连同拳头都塞进袋子里，保护着里头的秘密与梦想。

如今我把手伸进外套的口袋，但找不回昔日的梦想了。我缓缓地走在街上，雨后的微风轻抚我的脸，仿佛将我儿时的回忆都吹回过去。

回忆，就装在儿时那条褪色蓝色短裤的右边袋子里。

（完成于24/3/2005, 校内作文练习）

[Indulgence] When the Sun Is at the Other Side of the Earth

2005-05-05T03:34:00.000+08:00

It's night time. The sun is at the other side of the earth. No moon, no stars (due to urbanization). I wonder how long since I last slept for 8 hours.

I like the day time, and the night time.

Good morning. The sun shines, it's warm and bright and clear. There is hope, since it's the beginning of a day. I like to see the rays of sunlight sneaking through the half-opened windows to my room in the morning.
I don't really like the afternoon. Warm. Sleepy. Work. Activities. Meetings. Tiredness. The sun is too bright and too high above, directly shining on top of my head. I don't feel like doing anything. It's like I'm lost and trapped in the middle of a day. I wonder how many afternoons have I wasted away.
And the evenings, time to go home. Take a shower and rest. I don't really like to work in the evenings. After classes and activities, who wouldn't want a nice hot bath and lay freely on your bed to rest?

Finally.
Night time. Normally it's the time where I do most of my work. To me, the night is like a gate, a bridge, the Nai He Bridge, (奈何桥）.

Believed by the Chinese/Buddhist, the bridge is where dead people (their souls) will go to after they die. It was believed that there will be an old lady, Meng Po （孟婆）, standing before the bridge, who will give them a bowl of soup (孟婆汤，soup of Meng Po）to drink, and that they will forget about their past life, and tou tai (投胎), to start a new life again.

Yeah. A new life, a new day and a new beginning. After the night, it's another day again. The sun will rise; I'll have to repeat my routine again. And yes I could make changes if there's a new beginning for me. What will you do when you know you are going to die soon? To do the things undone? The same goes for me. I finish most of my work at night, because the end is near. I have to finish it before another day comes.

You're right, the eleventh hour, is when I do my work. Miserable.

Staying awake through the night is sometimes enjoyable.

For the first time I didn't sleep for the night, I was studying history for JUEC (Junior Unified Examinations Certificate). I was nervous. Since I've messed up my well-organized routine (It was before, but not anymore). I felt dizzy, I was hungry, I felt strengthless. And yet I still kept on stuffing the history in my brain. (It doesn't help much though. I still got a B for it.)

For the next few times feeling the earth rotating, I'm getting used to it. All I can say now is, the night is inspiring. (As people might wonder, normally I'm staying up to study, and dozed off somehow.) The night is as silent as the graveyard. A few barks from the neighbour's dog, some mourning of the bugs, some food-hunting lizards. No cars, no unwanted noises. People in the house have fallen asleep too. There is only me, and my time. My own precious night. I like the silence. I like my own time and space, where I can create my own dreams with no disturbance. I have a lot in mind, and I can sketch it all out at the silent night.

No pain, no gain. Although the night is wonderful, staying through it is getting me eye bags and fatigue. But for the inspirations and the arts, it's worth it.

[Life] Where's My Elastic Limit?

2005-05-02T20:21:00.000+08:00

Tired. Physically and mentally. I don't feel right.

Am I trying to escape from my current situation? Running away 'cause I'm scared to face it? Yeah, I would. I heard of a meaningful saying, when you've reached the end of the rope, tie a knot and hold on. Well, I like this piece of advice, and I'm practising it. I'm holding on, and I've tied a few knots down there. But damn I don't know how to move forward.

The mood test said that I'm feeling intense. Even friends who talked to me can feel that I'm stressed. Boy, I'm loosening up. I've been wondering and wandering. I told myself to carry on and get through this. I will get through this, I'm formidable, remember? I kept convincing myself (as I always do) but this time I heard some noises (杂声）. They asked me, Why do you wanna get through this? I want to succeed in my life. (Well, i didn't think much) What is success to you? Under what situation you called that success? (Grr...) When I can do someting better, and let everyone else approve me and my work. (I didn't think much too) Why do you want to succeed? Why do you wanna let others approve you? How do you know when you are something better than before? (Ok, I've had enough of this. I felt insulted when people deny and start questioning my belief, especially when I'm emotionally unstable.)

A force causes changes in length, thickness, or other linear dimension (causes the body to accelerate or changes its velocity).

Pressure causes changes in volume, which may be isotropic (occuring equally in all directions) or anisotropic (being greater in one direction than another).

So basically, the pressure acting on me now is changing my routine, changing my life, changing my perspective, changing me.

Elasticity is the tendency of objects to return to their original shape and size after a force deforming them has been removed.

The elastic limit (tensile strength) of a material is the maximum amount of force (tensile stress) that it can be subjected to before it breaks.

When a rubber band was pulled or stretched until surpassed its elastic limit, the rubber band will either be very loose or it will break. (Do you think I'll break too?)

I get frustrated and annoyed easily. Well, someone might say that it's PMS (Pre-menstrual Syndrome), it's totally normal. If only it were true. If only I can get over it. Why do you wanna get over with it? Shut up. I hear no one. But myself. And I say I am tough. I can handle all this.

I will hang on till the end. Just as I'll finish all the food in my bowl even though I'm already full. Even though I have to crawl...even though my limbs will be scratched and will leave scars. (Even though I can see my eyebags getting heavier everyday, even though I lack sleep everyday)

I'm sorry. I know I have made people around me worry about me. Made people lost faith in me. (Did I?) I'm sorry if I have disappointed you all. Maybe I'm only hanging at the edge of cliff, and I'm still shouting back and believing that I'm alright. I don't really seek for help. So partners, sorry because sometimes I just like to act on my own. It's not that I wanted to finish the whole thing by myself. It's not that I wanted to let others know I've did a lot. It's just that I don't know how to let go of something, I don't like to repeat myself over and over again (to different partners). And somehow I don't know how to let you know what I feel, or what I'm thinking. And...and I just wanted the assignments to meet my expectations. If you couldn't catch what's on my mind, how could you possibly realize my expectations? I'm arrogant.

And that's one of the reasons that I've made myself busy. I'm not really one perfectionist - but in some way...I am. I'm not those who wanted to reach perfection in every single thing, for example, her biology notes just couldn't have a single drop of liquid paper on it, or else she'll rewrite the whole page again. For my kind of perfectionist - I just wanted it to meet my expectations, I wanted my piece of work to be unique and different. That's why I'm scared when I couldn't come up with ideas that I'm really proud of it. I'm afraid that it'll be some ordinary stuffs, just like everyone else's. I'm a coward. Now you know why I'm so easily stressed.

I can't think properly. I still don't know where my elastic limit is, after all the forces that act on me. Well, I hope that I don't have an elastic limit.

[Life] 拜拜

2005-04-30T21:26:00.000+08:00

原本已经没有再想了。因为以为已经结束了。
以为现状能够一直维持到年末。
（可是又有多一个朋友说拜拜了，班上由一开学的43人减少到现在31人。）
朋友们走了，飞了。我也哭过了，流了感性没意义的眼泪。
也许再见面，不绝的话语不再滔滔。成有节奏的间断。
留恋，又能怎样？（把一小部分的回忆分给纪念册。）
过去了的是历史。历史就是一秒秒地增加的。有时候就是不想留恋往事，但我阻止不了自己不回头。阻止不了自己的不舍、自己的泪腺崩溃。（就让我这样呆望着纪念册一阵子吧。）
我们共同拥有的，（我相信）都印在历史里了。
现在，我只能站在这里（因为没办法到你们那儿啊），挥挥手，
祝福你们，拜拜咯。

[梦呓]杂声

2005-04-27T20:54:00.000+08:00

明明就是一片宁静。
明明我的生活就是这样子。
明明我的房间里就只有米白色的天花板、泛黄的四面墙、一张木床、木桌和木椅。还有一盏日光灯。
明明我就只相信我相信的东西。
可是你突然告诉我这不是我的房间。
你突然否定了我的信念。

（怎么办？）

我无语。
你在洗衣机转动的时候（当水混合洗衣粉与衣服上的污物产生反应时），突然加入黑色墨汁。因此，都脏了。
我愣了。
你把理所当然的事情，都变得莫名其妙了。我毫无头绪。我完美运行着的思绪，乱了。

（很吵，很烦。）

我掩耳摇头，这些杂声，给我滚开。

[梦呓]现在爱你

2005-04-11T17:57:00.000+08:00

除了仿佛，还是仿佛。
除了能够被证明的科学和数学之外，其他的，我都只能用仿佛来形容。
仿佛，爱你。
我没有办法证明我爱你，因为我没有办法证明我的记忆是100%确切、100%真实的。

如果你相信我，相信我的仿佛，那么我对你的爱，就能够通过你被证明了。
我可以相信你要我相信的一切，唯“永远”和“未来”除外。（这种东西实在是太飘渺了）
因为，我只相信此时此刻的“现在”。

现在，我爱你。

[Quiz] What Gender Is Your Brain?

2005-04-07T22:45:00.000+08:00

Your Brain is 60.00% Female, 40.00% Male

Your brain is a healthy mix of male and female

You are both sensitive and savvy

Rational and reasonable, you tend to keep level headed

But you also tend to wear your heart on your sleeve

What Gender Is Your Brain?

[Obsession] As Stable As Benzene

2005-04-06T20:13:00.000+08:00

Manga. Comic. 漫画 (man hua).

I once wondered about my existence. I've always believed that I live for mangas, as life is manga, manga is life. I eat manga, play manga, bathe with manga and sleep with manga. Just kidding. I just read manga, draw manga, talk manga, sing manga, and probably, from others observations, i act manga-ish too. (Did I?)

I used to spent most of my pocket money on mangas. And used manga to measure prices. For example, If I have RM30 that week, I would've spend 5/6 of it, that is RM25 on mangas. The other RM5 goes to my bus fare and some food. If I see a set lunch on a menu priced RM16.90, my mind will be telling me, "Hmm, that's the price of 3 to 4 mangas. Are you sure you're going to order that? Why not just save it for your precious mangas?" "Yeah...you're right......all for...my...precioussssssss......"

I wouldn't look at any food, accessories, books, food, clothes, toys, keychains...my eyes were specified just to look for mangas. I danced and jumped for mangas. I cried and laughed hysterically for mangas. I sneered at those who discriminate mangas. I would even die for manga.

Well...guess that was history. I still enjoy mangas and animes. Still keeping track of the new mangas. I'm learning how to draw, how the authors express their ideas and themes, how they brought out the suspense, how they plot the story...etc. I think the structure of benzene is best to describe my love for mangas now - stable yet unsaturated.